How We've Built a Fight-Free Marriage

I've asked myself many times why my husband and I don't fight. (And honestly, we have never fought.) My answer used to be "because we love each other," but I know that some couples who love each other do fight. So what's the difference for us? I think it boils down to a quote by Gordon B Hinckley: "True love is not so much a matter of romance, but of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion." It's about putting your spouse's happiness and well being above your own.

Romance is exhilarating and wonderful--it's a key factor in falling in love--but that's not all that love is. That initial excitement can ebb and flow. It's hard to have that newlywed-giddiness for very long once life starts happening, but if your focus and concern is more for your spouse's well being, and less for your need to be wooed, then it's easy to love and serve them. You're less likely to say something offensive, or to take offense at something that your spouse might say if you're thinking of their happiness first.

Cameron and I have had disagreements, and we've had moments of hurt. There have been times when we have accidentally said or done things that upset the other, but we've always chosen to be kind and understanding in those moments. When we see that the other person is upset, we fight the natural inclination to get defensive and instead do what we can to comfort each other and find out what we did wrong and how we can do better in the future.

Common phrases in our day-to-day conversations are "How can I be a better husband/wife?" "What can I do for you?" and "How can I help you be happy today?" When the other person answers, we try hard to remember what they say and to do it. Putting our focus on the other person helps us to focus less on ourselves or our wants, and more on our spouse's needs.

If we have needs we make them known so that our spouse can help us fill them, but we try to do more for the other person. In doing this, we have pretty much eliminated any desire to fight or hurt each other emotionally.

This selfless love is what enables us to work through disagreements and misunderstandings peacefully and happily. Our marriage is not perfect--sometimes we make mistakes or get upset with each other; but because we value each other's happiness we let go of the little things and respectfully and carefully discuss things that shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing that helps us is prayer. We pray to be better spouses--to be understanding and loving and to be able to recognize each other's needs. We also pray for each other, both in our personal prayers and when we pray as a couple. Praying out loud for each other is very strengthening for our relationship. It is beneficial for the person speaking because as you thank God for the person you love, you think of all the reasons you do love them and your love is deepened. It also grows as you pray for God to help them with their problems and struggles. This helps you to feel compassion for them. Praying for your spouse at all will benefit them, but for them to hear your words of gratitude for them, and your pleas for help on their behalf can help them to see how much you love them, to realize that you listen and care about what they're going through, and can help soften their heart and love you even more.

Putting God first, and then our spouse's happiness and well being above our own is the best way that my husband and I have found for keeping our marriage happy and strong. Despite some hard life events, our love and marriage continue to grow stronger and deeper every day. I am so grateful for that!

Family Portraits

We took some family portraits earlier this year. We were pleasantly surprised at how well they turned out because we just put our camera up on a tripod and used the timer and took 5 shots at a time. It worked really well, for the most part.

While we were getting the settings right on the camera Sam just wanted to eat the leaves. I had to rescue quite a few.

But once we started taking pictures he was a great sport!

During the pictures of just Cameron and I, Samuel sat in his stroller nearby so happily.

We took him to the playground afterwards and I rode down the slide with him and we continued to take some pictures while he played. He liked those a lot more than the posed ones.

Park City Picnic

One day last October we decided we needed a vacation, so we took the morning and drove up to Park City for a picnic. The weather was beautiful, the fall colors were amazing. It's such a beautiful place!

Sam loved it! He had so much fun crawling on the grass and exploring the trails via his stroller.

He especially liked their little pond and stream and wanted to play in it.

and I got this precious picture of Sam and his Daddy together.

(Be very impressed. It took me forever to get the exposure etc right on this one. Cameron's the better photographer of the two of us.)

We had such a lovely time having a family outing and a half-day vacation. We're so blessed to live so close to such beautiful places like this!

Forgiveness is Hard

Sometimes there's someone who you haven't seen in two years and you think that you've forgiven them for whatever happened.

And then you run into them unexpectedly.

And they insist on standing there awkwardly trying to talk to you, "Wow, has it really been that long... yup... well..."

And you can't say anything because you're not sure if you want to tell them all the horrible things you thought of saying years ago, or thinking if your husband was there he'd punch this person in the face, or cry because you feel badly for having these mean thoughts when you thought you were over it. And you're hoping that if it gets awkward enough this person will just leave, which they finally do with a "good to see you," which just makes you feel worse for feeling like you're lying when you return the phrase.

Yeah, this happened to me today.

And then, I thought of the Savior. He died for this person and loves him just as much as he loves me. I thought of him saying "Of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64) I want to have a softer heart. I want to forgive. I want to be like my Savior. Some people sure make it hard.
Me. I make it hard on myself. No matter what others do to me I need to take responsibility for my feelings as well as my actions.

Tonight I am praying for a change of heart. I want to be able to forgive. I want to be able to love others. I want to feel that my Savior is proud of me. I want to be my best self.

I am grateful for the atonement, that it allows me to be able to repent. It helps me to change and grow and put the past behind me. I thank my Father in Heaven for loving me and being patient with my imperfections.


(Image from LDS Media Library)

Learning to Forgive from the Savior

disclaimer: this story is not about an ex-boyfriend. 

Eleven Things About my Eleven-Month-Old!

It's been so long since I've posted. I tried to take a break from the computer over Christmas break and it was fabulous! And before that was final exams, plus a sick baby, plus getting ready to travel, so.... yeah.

Anyways, happy new year! My baby is eleven.months.old. As in, almost one year! How did this happen? So, to celebrate, here are 11 things about Samuel:

1. Sam loves his new high chair! It makes feeding him solids so much easier and a lot less stressful, so I've been doing better about making sure that he's getting the nutrients he needs. Yesterday he actually asked to get in it! (asked being a strong term. More like "avidly reached for it until I buckled him in and gave him some cheerios.") His favorite solid foods that he's tried are probably scrambled eggs and spaghetti. He likes the taste of bananas but struggles to pick them up on his own so they make him a little frustrated.
2. He is getting very good at stairs! We don't have any in our apartment, but he will crawl up any stairs he sees! This is a trick he learned over Christmas break and it's so cute to see how excited he gets about being able to navigate them himself.
3. He's responding more and more to what we say! It's so nice to know that he understands what we're saying. He can now give hugs and kisses (the wonderfully slobbery kind!), plays peekaboo, responds to "hands up," and knows if we say "feet first!" he needs to turn around and not try to dive headlong off of the couch or stairs.
4. Samuel loves positive reenforcement. If he's doing something that he thinks is difficult or cool, he'll look at other people for acknowledgment. Sometimes he'll even start clapping for himself if he wants applause. He does this most often when he is pushing his new walker or drinking from a straw. It is so sweet!
5. He dances! He never did it until I showed him a video of his sweet friend Lucy bobbing up and down to music. He looked at her like he was confused, but by the end of the video he had started swinging his arms from side to side. Now he'll often do that or sway side to side when we have music on, or kneel down and bounce.
6. He's a Tigger, like his daddy :) he always wants a horsey ride, or to jump on the couch, or in his bouncer, or in your arms, or anywhere really. He uses his carseat like a rocking horse when it's inside. He'll also sit up against a wall or the couch and bounce horizontally against it like I did when I was little. Isn't that funny? I don't think we purposefully taught him those things, or showed him how to do them. He just loves bouncing!
7. He says "Da!" a lot, followed by "na," "ha," and "ma." Because he says it infrequently, it makes it all the more special when he says "mama" and he usually does it in a somewhat appropriate context, which makes me so happy!
8. His silly teeth still won't come out! The two front ones on the bottom are so close that you can practically see them through his gums, and they're pushing up pretty far, but they just won't break through! I think it's getting pretty uncomfortable because Sam has been a lot more irritable and tired over the last few days than normal.
9. He loves climbing! He'll climb over or under the bars that attach the legs of our chairs together, tries to get up onto the couch, explores the underside of our coffee table, and even tries to find ways to use multiple objects as a staircase. A few days ago when I was doing some dishes I turned around and he had climbed from his carseat, to a chair, and was trying to get up onto the desk! That little guy is too smart for his own good, but I'm so proud!
10. One of his newest favorite "toys" are doors. He likes to go into my bedroom and push the door almost shut and then open it again over, and over, and over. He'll sometimes use the door to play peekaboo. He's so sweet! 
11. He also loves baths and showers. Both of his grandma's have very large sinks so he loved taking baths in them over the holidays. We're thinking of doing a bubble bath themed birthday party for him! :)

I am so grateful for my sweet little boy, and for the way that he brings so much joy to our lives! It is hard and tiring being a mom and doing school at the same time, but it is also so rewarding! I am also so grateful for Cameron who helps so much with Sam and the house as well as working and doing school full time. He is my hero, and I am so in love with him!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts, encouragement, and help. We love and appreciate you so much!

Share the Gift

Christmas is such a wonderful time of the year. I enjoy the decorations and the snow (that seems to be AWOL this year, at least in Provo). I love seeing little children's excitement building as they wait for Santa and presents, but my favorite part about Christmas is the greater emphasis on the Savior and all that he has done for us. There seems to be a greater sense of love and goodwill among everyone. This year, however, I'm not seeing that as much as I'm used to. In the news there are so many messages of hatred and vengeance and anger. It makes me sad that there is so much suffering and hurt in this world, but especially that people cannot find it in themselves to love each other.

Mormon.org is doing a campaign this year called "Share the Gift." The point is to share with others the miracle and joy of Christmas: the gift of the Savior and of his love and atonement for us. They are inviting anyone and everyone to print out their sign and share how they will #sharethegift this holiday season. I would invite everyone to do this, and to consider your way of sharing to be "I will love others, even if they are unkind to me." The Savior said, "Love others as I have loved you." He also asked us to "bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you." Regardless of the pain and persecution we may be going through, the Savior expects us to love each other. That is the gift we can give to him this Christmas, as well as to all the world. It is also the only way that we can end this cycle of hatred. If we refuse to seek revenge, if we do our best to have Christlike thoughts and actions, if we reach out in love to those around us, then we can influence the world for good.

Here is my sign. You are welcome to borrow it if you like. If you want to print out your own blank one to fill out, click here.

If you want to know more about the #ShareTheGift campaign, watch the video below or visit christmas.mormon.org

I am so grateful for my Savior; for the sacrifice that he made for me, and for every single person on this Earth. I love him and want so much to be worthy to go back to him. I am grateful for my testimony of his divinity and of his love for me individually. May we all remember to keep the Christ in Christmas.

Remembering Lila

Today marks one year since our grandmother Lila passed away. I miss her so much. She was so full of spunk and life and joy. When I met her she was very sick, but she never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to serve others and never complained about how awful she was feeling. The first day that I met her we bonded immediately. It was like finding a long-lost sister. We were so comfortable with each other and could talk about anything.

It breaks my heart sometimes that she left before Sam was born, that he'll never know her in this life, but I feel sure that she was with him before he was born. I like to imagine that she held Sam and his cousins that have passed away all in her arms, singing to and teaching them. I've felt her close many times, and oh, how I miss her. She was such a wonderful example of selflessness and love and I will be forever grateful that I got to know her and be her friend.

I know that those we love are never far away. I am so grateful for the atonement and for the gospel. I'm grateful for the promise that those who pass away are not gone forever. I'm grateful that through the ordinances in temples we can be with our families forever. What a joyful message that is! I'm thankful for my Savior. for making all of this possible, for loving me and all of us enough to do all he had to to make this a reality.

I miss you, Grandma! Thank you for watching over our family.

Nine Months!

This month has had fewer milestones for Samuel, he's mostly just getting much better at the tricks he's learned previously. He continues to be as cute as ever and make us smile! It's crazy to think that he's been out of my belly as long as he was inside. It's definitely gone much faster than pregnancy did.

One exciting thing that he is on the verge of figuring out is kissing! I'll kiss him and say "kisses!" and then he will open his mouth wide and suck on my cheek or chin for a moment. It is so sweet. I can't wait until he learns how to blow kisses (he's almost there.)

He's teething (for real this time! I promise!) and we can start to see his bottom front teeth under his gums. The doctor says they should break through any day. Sam also caught Roseola (a baby virus) earlier this month, which was no fun for him, but we're so glad that he's feeling better now! Even while being sick and teething Sam is full of giggles and smiles and it helps us to get through the harder days.

He's very patient with my increased homework load recently and enjoys playing in his bouncer. He's also bonded a lot with his daddy and they are closer than ever! It could have something to do with the fact that Sam is less and less interested in nursing, so he takes more bottles, which Cameron can feed him. But whatever the reason, it is so great to see them smiling and playing together. I love my boys.

In this cold weather Sam has reiterated to us that he dislikes being bundled up, but he's just going to have to deal with it because it has been pretty chilly! Grandma Suzy sent him a very nice snow suit that keeps him nice and cozy when we have to walk around on campus, which unfortunately for Sam, is multiple times a week.

I am so grateful for my little angel boy and his beautiful smile. He is a constant reminder of the love our God has for us. I'm so grateful for that. I will post pictures soon!

Halloween in California

Halloween weekend we had the great blessing of going to visit family in California! My mom and dad both grew up in the Bay Area, and all of my mom's family lives there now. We flew out early Thursday morning (having spent the night with Cameron's wonderful aunt Lisa since she is much closer to the airport than we are.) Sam fell right back to sleep on the airplane and didn't wake up until we landed! He's so great :)

We flew with Alaska airlines and they were fantastic! This was our first time flying with them, but if you need to fly with a baby, go with Alaska airlines! You don't need to wait in line with a copy of the birth certificate to get your baby on your boarding pass, they'll check strollers and carseats for free, (if you drop a toy at the baggage check area they might even chase you down after security to give it back to you!). Our first flight was pretty empty so they re-arranged the seating so that we didn't have anyone around us so it wouldn't matter if Sam was wiggly, and they let us board early with him. A flight attendant even came and brought us one of those old fashioned wing pins for Sam.

When we arrived my Aunt Dana and one of her boys came to pick us up and we went to their house in San Jose. We visited with them for a while before the boys went to school and then we drove to my grandmother's home in Portola Valley. It was so strange being in her home where I had spent so much time as a young child but also being a mother and taking care of Samuel. Definitely a new experience. My uncle came down for lunch with us and then we had the rest of the day to relax, then both my aunts and Dana's husband and boys came over for dinner. (My grandmother is an amazing cook! Everything we ate that week was so delicious.)

On Halloween we spent the morning with Grandma and my auntie Andy and got our costumes ready. Grandma's sewing machine wasn't running so I couldn't finish Cameron's costume, but thankfully grandma has an extensive costume collection and we managed to find him something that worked well. In the afternoon we were wanting to go see some sights around town so we drove down to Stanford and saw some other cool things but it was drizzly and cool so we didn't get out and walk around much. We still had quite a bit of time before Dana's boys got home from school so we decided to go walk around Ikea. We love Ikea. There are so many fun ideas for how to make a small space functional. Sam was awake and happy the whole time. He giggled when we spun the cart around and waved at strangers and he absolutely loved the part of the store that was lined with mirrors.

Playing at Ikea

As the case usually is when we go to Ikea, we spent more time than we meant to, but we got to Dana and Scotts house before the trick-or-treaters started coming and had dinner with them before going out with the boys. Sam was getting sleepy so we didn't walk around for very long. We came back to the house, helped hand out pencils, and read silly baby books by the fireplace.

Snow White, Dopey, and Prince Charming

Dopey with his cousins Harry Potter and Emmet (from the Lego movie)

On Saturday we relaxed in the morning, did some laundry, at more delicious food, then went to my Grandpa's house. We had a great time eating yummy food and playing with Sam. My step-great-grandma was there and she got some darling little pajamas for Samuel, which was such a blessing because just moments after we got there his diaper decided not to do its job and he needed a change of clothes, which we had neglected to bring for him. That night Dana's family spent the night at grandma's with us and we ate some more delicious food and played dominoes until bed time.

Sunday morning we had a great breakfast and got packed up. We went to church with Cameron's Uncle Richard and aunt Jenny and their four darling children. It happened to be the same ward that I was in as a little girl! There was a redwood tree in the front of the building that I remember trying to put my arms around when I was a little girl. My arms are still too small ;)

The Redwood Tree

We had a lovely time, then went to go get our bags and say goodbye to Grandma Judy and Grandpa Don, and took the car back to Dana who was so kind to let us borrow it while we were there. We had dinner with them and then Scott drove us to the airport. Lisa picked us up in Salt Lake (where it was very cold) and we spent the night with her again.

Sam didn't sleep much on the plane ride home, but he enjoyed every minute of it!

We are so grateful to all of our family for being so accommodating and welcoming when we came to visit. We love you all so much!