How We've Built a Fight-Free Marriage

I've asked myself many times why my husband and I don't fight. (And honestly, we have never fought.) My answer used to be "because we love each other," but I know that some couples who love each other do fight. So what's the difference for us? I think it boils down to a quote by Gordon B Hinckley: "True love is not so much a matter of romance, but of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion." It's about putting your spouse's happiness and well being above your own.

Romance is exhilarating and wonderful--it's a key factor in falling in love--but that's not all that love is. That initial excitement can ebb and flow. It's hard to have that newlywed-giddiness for very long once life starts happening, but if your focus and concern is more for your spouse's well being, and less for your need to be wooed, then it's easy to love and serve them. You're less likely to say something offensive, or to take offense at something that your spouse might say if you're thinking of their happiness first.

Cameron and I have had disagreements, and we've had moments of hurt. There have been times when we have accidentally said or done things that upset the other, but we've always chosen to be kind and understanding in those moments. When we see that the other person is upset, we fight the natural inclination to get defensive and instead do what we can to comfort each other and find out what we did wrong and how we can do better in the future.

Common phrases in our day-to-day conversations are "How can I be a better husband/wife?" "What can I do for you?" and "How can I help you be happy today?" When the other person answers, we try hard to remember what they say and to do it. Putting our focus on the other person helps us to focus less on ourselves or our wants, and more on our spouse's needs.

If we have needs we make them known so that our spouse can help us fill them, but we try to do more for the other person. In doing this, we have pretty much eliminated any desire to fight or hurt each other emotionally.

This selfless love is what enables us to work through disagreements and misunderstandings peacefully and happily. Our marriage is not perfect--sometimes we make mistakes or get upset with each other; but because we value each other's happiness we let go of the little things and respectfully and carefully discuss things that shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing that helps us is prayer. We pray to be better spouses--to be understanding and loving and to be able to recognize each other's needs. We also pray for each other, both in our personal prayers and when we pray as a couple. Praying out loud for each other is very strengthening for our relationship. It is beneficial for the person speaking because as you thank God for the person you love, you think of all the reasons you do love them and your love is deepened. It also grows as you pray for God to help them with their problems and struggles. This helps you to feel compassion for them. Praying for your spouse at all will benefit them, but for them to hear your words of gratitude for them, and your pleas for help on their behalf can help them to see how much you love them, to realize that you listen and care about what they're going through, and can help soften their heart and love you even more.

Putting God first, and then our spouse's happiness and well being above our own is the best way that my husband and I have found for keeping our marriage happy and strong. Despite some hard life events, our love and marriage continue to grow stronger and deeper every day. I am so grateful for that!

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred II

I know that a lot of people will disagree with me about this post, but I feel that it is very important that I share it.  Just because I am saying that I think you're wrong, that does not mean that I don't love and respect you, so please be kind and respect my freedom of speech as I respect yours.

Things that are sacred should not be taken lightly. Marriage is sacred, as is your relationship with your spouse and their trust. Sexual intimacy is sacred and should not be treated casually or shared outside of marriage.

Abstinence before marriage is a legitimate option. My husband and I are both so grateful that we chose not to share that part of ourselves with anyone else or even with each other until we were married. It has brought us so much closer, and enabled us to see sex as the God-given gift that it is and use it purely as an expression of love. I'm so grateful that I never have to try not to think of anyone else when I'm with my husband.

Once you're married, that doesn't necessarily mean that anything goes. You still need to respect the sanctity of intimacy, and you still need to be faithful to your spouse. Decide with your spouse and the Lord what is righteous, and what you are comfortable with. Don't push your spouse to do things that they are uncomfortable with, even if you don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Fidelity to your spouse obviously excludes having sex with anyone else, but there are other ways of being unfaithful. The Lord said "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). (Women, this scripture applies to you as well.) Sometimes bad thoughts will come into your mind. Sometimes images or words or music that are offensive are put in front of you and it's not your fault. What is your fault is when you continue to entertain those thoughts, or keep looking or listening. When you do something with the intent to have sexual thoughts or feelings about another person besides your spouse, this is a sin.

Pornography is not a righteous thing. It is a form of infidelity, it is harmful not only to yourself, but to your marriage, your family, and it damages your view of sexuality, changing it from something Godly to something base, dirty, and sinful. Whether it's videos, pictures, books, music, you-name-it, if it causes you to think of someone other than your spouse in a sexual way, stop it. It doesn't matter the rating, the medium, or who recommended it to you. If your mind starts wandering places you shouldn't go, get away from it. Run like Joseph did from Potiphar's wife. Run and don't look back.

Porn not only ruins your view of sexuality, but of love, people, and bodies. Sex is not love. It can and aught to be a way of expressing  love, but lust is not the same as love. Pornography damages your ability to see the difference and recognize pure, godly love. Porn objectifies men and women, and their bodies, turning them into objects meant solely for gratification. We not only see this in explicit pornography, but in advertising everywhere. We need to see people first and foremost as children of our Heavenly Father, not bodies to be stared at.

Don't allow yourself to become too emotionally attached to anyone other than your spouse. Guard your emotions. Even if the feelings you have for someone else aren't sexual, they can still be unfaithful in nature. It can harm your relationship with your spouse. Remember to love your spouse more than anyone. "Cleave unto her [or him] and none else" (Gen 2; D&C 42:22.)

If you already have a problem with infidelity or pornography or anything else I've talked about, it's not too late to change. Because of the Savior's atonement you can start over, multiple times a day if you have to. He loves you, he will forgive you, and he can help you to rebuild your life. If you find that you have an addiction to pornography or anything else and can't kick the habit on your own, seek help. It's ok. There are lots of fantastic resources to help you overcome it. Talk to your church leaders, find addiction recovery groups in your community, ask your family members and friends for help and support. You can do it.

Marriage and family are central to God's plan for our salvation and happiness. Sex is also a part of that plan--not just for bringing children into the world, but for our enjoyment and for expressing love to our spouse. Because it is so sacred, we must treat it that way. The Lord loves us. We can do hard things, we can obey his commandments, and we can love and respect our spouses (current or future.)

If you're interested, here are some great talks on the same topics I covered.
Protection from Pornography--a Christ Centered Home
Personal Purity
Sanctify Yourselves: This talk was given specifically to an audience of men but it applies to everyone
Nurturing Marriage
LDS Addiction Recovery

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred

Some things ought to be kept sacred. What happens behind closed doors should stay there. I'm not only talking about "what happens in the bedroom," although that's definitely up there on the list.

If you treat something as sacred, you make it special. It's private, and it's important. You don't tell the whole world, or facebook, or even your mother. Your relationship with your spouse is very special, and won't last if neither of you feel that you can trust each other or that you don't have the privacy you need. It will not help your relationship if you go to your friends or parents or siblings with stories about sex, disagreements, or insecurities. All it will do is damage your spouse in that person's eyes and hurt your spouse's trust and ability to be honest and vulnerable with you.

Talk things over with your spouse. If you are upset and need to vent, (it's ok, it happens sometimes) prayer and journaling are both great ways to get your emotions out and think through how you really feel without saying things that you don't mean to your spouse or saying things that are only your business to other people.

This summer I was going through a rough patch emotionally and physically (morning sickness is no picnic) and I got really frustrated with myself as well as being more irritable in general. I asked Cameron to not read my journal (not that he did before, but I just wanted him to know that I needed that to be a private place in case I ever left it out) and put all of my frustrations in there. Sometimes I've used my journal to keep my emotions pent up, but this summer I used it to let off steam. I said things in there that I didn't really mean, or would have sounded wrong if I said them out loud. I needed somewhere to gather my thoughts before I went to Cameron with problems or for help so that I didn't say something hurtful.

Before we were married I would have vented to my mom. She and I have always been close and I used to tell her everything. I've learned now that some things are meant for just Cameron and I, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I love my mom any less or that we're not as close. I can still talk to her about wishing we had a dishwasher or pregnancy questions or anything that isn't private and between my husband and I.

Don't post your feelings about relationship problems on facebook, twitter, or other social media and public places. It's not good for your relationship and it's awkward for others. If it's a cry for help and you want your spouse to see it and fix whatever problem, this isn't the place or the way to do it. Instead, talk to them in person. If you really are too upset to talk, consider writing a letter or email, carefully going over it to make sure that you're not being hurtful, only honest, and asking your spouse to read it.

Keeping these things out of public eyes doesn't mean you're lying. You don't need to pretend to anyone that you have a perfect marriage. It's ok to admit to faults and problems. However, sharing details of your personal life with your spouse is not something that should be done without careful consideration and consent. It's his (or her) relationship as well, not just yours.

Happy things can be sacred, too. There are times when I just want to tell the whole world how wonderful my husband is because he did x, y, and z for me! I have trouble holding it in, but sometimes there are things that should stay just between us, even if they are wonderful and make me incredibly happy. I try not to post the contents of the love notes he leaves me, or sometimes the gifts or acts of service he does for me. Because I love and appreciate them so much, they are very special and something that ought to be just between the two of us.

There are rare occasions when this rule needs to be thrown out the window. If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and you have tried to communicate this to your spouse and nothing has changed, seek help. Don't try to hide or be strong. It's not selfish to protect yourself from physical or emotional harm. Do it in the proper way (again, not in your facebook status) but do something about it. You never have to be stuck somewhere where you do not feel safe. It doesn't have to mean divorce. I know people who have mended a relationship that was on the verge of falling apart and are now blissfully married, but I know others where it was good and necessary for the couple to separate. Consult the Lord as to how to deal with your specific situation. He loves you and he will not lead you astray.

Don't forget to tell your spouse how much you love them today!

Motherhood is Love

I would like to apologize in advance for the many run-on sentences in this post. I'm just letting my thoughts out and not worrying about grammar today. Thanks for your patience :)

I used to think that marriage is all about sacrifice and putting other's needs before your own--and it is--but then I became a mom.

And I realized that being a mom is really all about sacrifice and putting others first.

and then my mom, who had been staying with us and helping with baby and cooking and cleaning, went home and I realized it even more.

and then this weekend I got sick. Now I know that motherhood is really all about putting others first and making the hard choices and choosing to be strong even when you feel weak and praying your heart out because you don't want your baby to get sick because of the selfish reason of not wanting to have to stay up with him all night to make sure he can breathe but even more because you love that baby with all your heart and never want him to have to go through something as hard as a runny nose and sore throat.

wow.

I never knew that I could love so deeply and so completely. Nothing melts my heart so much as seeing my amazing husband holding our little boy, or having Sam pause his nursing just to give me a great big smile, or snuggling my baby and having his daddy wrap his arms around both of us. I never knew how sustaining love and prayers could be until I spent two and a half months waking up multiple times a night to feed this tiny little person and spent all day feeding him even more and changing diapers and still somehow have energy to go on walks and play peek-a-boo and sing until I'm horse.

Being a mom is a lot of work: exhausting, humbling, beautiful work. I have never been happier, nor more easily recognized the hand of the Lord in my life. My heart is so full of gratitude to my Father in Heaven for the many miracles he has wrought in my behalf. I am so glad that Cameron and I listened as He has guided us in the timing for beginning our family, both in our marriage and in having Sam.

As always, thank you so much everyone for your loving support as we haphazardly navigate our way through this crazy, wonderful life!

Our Wedding: Why We Chose the Temple

Cameron and I decided to be married in the Salt Lake City temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It is a beautiful building with lots of history, as well as being a place where many of our relatives and ancestors were married. But it is so much more than that.

We chose this temple because it was right outside that I first told Cameron that I loved him, and also the place we were when he kissed me for the first time.

(It was right about here that it happened!)


Our families are spread out all over the country, though we both have a lot of extended family in Utah, and we wanted to have the wedding somewhere that would be mildly convenient for everyone. (We realize that, short of having 5 different weddings, it was impossible to make it really convenient for very many people at all, and we so appreciate all the love and support we got from our families, especially those that had to travel to get here!)

We chose to be married in the temple instead of a church or other setting because we believe that here, we could be married not just for this life, but for the rest of eternity as well. A lot of people I know believe that marriage only lasts until death, and that neither our spirits nor our resurrected selves will be connected to our spouse. When we are sealed in the temple, we are promised to be with each other forever.

But there's something even more wonderful than that. We're together with each other, but if we keep doing our best to live the way God wants us to, we can be with our children and ancestors as long as they do the same! We can be with our whole family forever.

For the actual ceremony, we had a lot of family that was unable to come inside to be with us. The temple is a very sacred place, and even lots of members of our church aren't allowed in. To come in to the temple, you must be strictly living the commandments, as well as have made special promises and commitments with the Lord that you will always live that way. These are very serious promises, and so members of the church are encouraged to wait until they are ready to be married or serve a full time mission, or at least are past their teen-age years, before they go to the temple and make those commitments.

It was painful for us to not be able to have some of our family with us for that short time we were inside the temple. We wanted so much to be able to share that with them. But for us, it was an easy choice. For us, leaving them outside for half an hour so that we could have the chance to be with them for the rest of eternity as well as this life was definitely worth it. I know that it's difficult for those not of our faith to understand, but we did it because we love our family and we want to be with them always.

Families are central to God's plan. He means for us to be with our families and to be happy! I know that He loves us and wants the best for us. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in this life, and it is hard, but the reward will always be worth it. This is why we chose to be married in the temple. We want to be with each other and our family, not just "till death do us part," but through all of forever, even after we die. It is a glorious promise, and I know that God keeps his promises.

We're so grateful that our family was so supportive of us and that so many of you who were unable to come inside still came to the temple to be there when we came out. We love you so much, and hope you can understand why we made the choice that we did. We want to be with you forever.

If you would like to learn more about mormon temples, click here, here, here, or even here!

If you would like the opportunity to go inside a mormon temple, completely "legally" and without any commitment or strings attached, here and here are the next opportunities to do so. (When a new temple is built, it is open to the general public for a short time before it is dedicated. There will be a guided tour of the building and explanations of what the different rooms are used for. You do need tickets, but they are free. You can obtain tickets by following the link above.) If you are unable to attend an open house but still want to learn about the temple, many temples have visitor centers on the same property where you can ask questions about the temples and see the outside and grounds.

And here are some more pictures of our wonderful family at the temple with us, and a few of just Cam and I that I love!

Puffs Plus and Peanut Butter M&Ms

I'm a little bit of a tissue snob. I got sick a lot growing up, and in the last 24 hours I used an entire box of tissues, pretty much single-handedly. I think Cam used less than 5 of them. And when you use that many tissues, your nose can tell the difference between knock-off brand lotion tissues and the real deal. My face is pretty red at the moment. Last night around 9pm I finished off our last box of tissues and had to ask my poor husband to go get more because we choose not to shop on the sabbath. I was so surprised and happy when he came back with a big box of my favorite brand of tissues (I must have mentioned it amidst my complaining over the last few days).

And then he pulled out a bag of Valentine's day themed peanut butter m&ms. Which are obviously the best kind.

I'm so grateful for my husband who takes such good care of me, and loves me and tries to do everything he can to make me smile. Especially when I'm under the weather.

Thank you sweetheart! Te amo, ich liebe dich, I love you.

Sickness and Service

Being sick is no fun. When you and your spouse are sick at the same time it's really no fun; but it provides a great opportunity for serving each other!

This past week Cam and I have had a lot of chances to take care of each other as we've both been under the weather and struggling with the emotional stress of that (plus the usual school, work, and the imminence of our impending parenthood.) We lean on each other a lot, and it helps strengthen our relationship.

My husband is so loving. He wakes up in the middle of the night to readjust my pillows so I can be comfortable, he helps me get my socks and shoes on when I can't bend over, and he tucks me into bed and goes to do the dishes when I'm not feeling well even though he has homework to finish.

Neither of us are perfect. But we find ways to lift each other. That is what helps us to be stronger together than we are alone. We don't let ourselves tear each other down or let the other struggle on their own. We do our best to show our love for each other! Together we turn to the Lord and he gives us strength and shows us how to love better and more fully.

Thank you, sweetheart, for loving me and taking care of me. I'm so grateful for you!

Why I'm Glad I Was Engaged and Married Before I Was 23

I am so in love with my husband. Why? Well, for one, he's practically perfect. But besides that, he shows his love to me. I appreciate that so much. He makes me feel so loved all the time that I can't help but be overjoyed and completely in love with him back! The last few days of break before he went back to school we spent a few afternoons just spending time with each other and it turned into sitting on the couch talking, flirting, and just expressing how much we love each other. I know it sounds totally cheesy and silly, but it made us both so happy. Because we keep feeding our relationship, we just get more and more happy and excited to be with each other.

There's been an article going around facebook that talks about why you should wait to get engaged and married, but I think most of the points are silly. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I feel like I need to stand up and say, "I support marriage and "old fashioned" values. Being born when I was doesn't mean that I automatically have to give up hope that marriage could actually mean something more than a fancy wedding and a pre-nup."

 I suppose for some people it might be easier to have adventures on their own, but being adventurous doesn't mean you have to make dumb decisions. I'm sorry, but making out with strangers is not my idea of a good time. I'd rather kiss my husband. And what's wrong with snuggling the person you love, who also happens to be your best friend?

"If a person is your eternal love", why wait? If you know that you will love that person forever and want to be with them, why are you putting other priorities ahead of them? Yes, it can be scary to have to try to coordinate two educations, jobs, cultures, personalities, but honestly, the longer you wait, the harder it will get.

I am a very timid person when it comes to trying new things. I hadn't even been on a roller coaster until I met Cameron. I am much more adventurous now than I ever was before I started dating him. Recently Cameron and I were talking about where we would like to settle our family. I said something to the effect of "I think that I could adjust to any situation we're put into, even if it's not my ideal setting." Cameron remarked that I would not have said that when we met. It's so true! He has helped me to grow in ways that I wouldn't let myself when I was single. Marriage is about growth, it's about learning to care about more than just yourself, and it's about becoming your best self. It's not being tied down, giving up your freedom, or losing your identity. All of those things are expanded in a healthy relationship.

Being married doesn't mean that you have to settle down immediately and never travel or have fun. Some people choose to settle down, and that's fine. Others take their time as "newlyweds" to have fun and go on adventures together! Cameron and I haven't had the money to travel the world, but we have tried to take advantage of the fun opportunities around us, and to make adventures for ourselves close to home.

This article also talked about how getting married means that you'll get "knocked up and fat." I really dislike the phrase "knocked up." I think it's crude, demeaning, and degrading to the sanctity that is parenthood and family. You don't have to get pregnant just because you get married. I have a lot of married friends that feel like it isn't time for them to have children yet. I also know several couples that have struggled with infertility and would give anything to have the privilege of having and raising a child. Cameron and I were originally planning to wait much longer before we got pregnant, but after praying we felt strongly that it was time to stop waiting. On our one year anniversary we were six months pregnant. This is what was right for us, but is not right for everyone. The decision to start a family, whether through marriage, or continuing through having children, is a personal choice, and no one has the right to judge others for that choice, though we as a society do it all the time.

And I'm sorry to tell you, but you'll get older (and probably gain a few pounds) regardless of whether or not you're married, so you might as well do it with the person who will help you, support you, and make you happy and build your self esteem.

Marriage, especially at a young age may not be for everyone. It is a huge commitment, and shouldn't be taken lightly, or thought of as temporary. But I know that for some people, including myself, it was the right choice. Marriage can be tons of fun and bring deep and lasting happiness. You get to spend every day with your best friend, you can find yourself and become your best self, and do it all with your biggest fan and the person who loves you no matter what.

I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. I know that families are part of his plan. I am grateful for that knowledge. I'm grateful for my husband who loves and supports me in everything that I do. I'm so glad that I can make him happy and help lift him us the way he does for me.

Has it Really Been a Year?

This Wednesday marks one year since my husband and I were married in the Salt Lake Temple.
One Year! When did that happen?

A lot of people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. I'm honestly not sure what they're talking about. This has been the happiest year of my entire life. We've had a lot of hard things happen in our family that were out of our control, but because of that our relationship was able to grow so much stronger than it would have otherwise. We've learned so much about communication, sacrifice, service, and love. Our testimonies of the love that our Father in Heaven has for us are unshakeable. We know that he is guiding or lives and we are so excited to continue this adventure together!

We are so glad that we were married in the temple. It is a big commitment to live our lives so that we are worthy to go there, but the blessings we have received are beyond imagining. If we continue to live the promises that we made to each other and to the Lord in His house, we will be together forever. Even after we die, we will not be separated. Isn't that so wonderful? It gives me so much comfort to know that no matter what happens, as long as I live the way God asks me to, I will never, ever have to say goodbye to my dear Cameron for more than a short time. We have also been promised to always have our children with us. What a comfort and joy that is. I am so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, where we have the authority from God to be sealed together forever, and to be taught His gospel, and to know of the sacredness and importance of the family in His plan.

Want to know more about LDS (Mormon) temples or doctrine? Feel free to ask me any questions you have, or visit www.mormon.org. This website answers FAQ, outlines the basics of our beliefs, can help you locate the nearest meetinghouse and times if you'd like to visit our church services, and missionaries available to chat online with if you have any questions. You can also receive a free copy of the Bible and/or Book of Mormon if you want one. I'd seriously recommend that you check it out this website for any information about what we believe.

Happy National Bacon Day!

No, the real international bacon day is not in November, it's usually in September. But for my husband and me, it falls on November 21st: the anniversary of the screaming bacon.

What is the screaming bacon, you ask? Let me tell you!

On the first morning of our honeymoon my husband and I decided to make a decadent breakfast to celebrate our first full day of marriage. We made waffles, hot cocoa, fruit, and, of course, bacon.

Cameron was making the bacon like the manly-man-husband that he is, while I was cutting up some strawberries. All of a sudden we heard an unearthly screeching noise coming from the stove. Cameron, fearing that he was about to lose his new wife, let alone a few limbs, took the bacon off of the burner, pulled me away from that side of the kitchen, and tried to shield me with his body. I was startled by his reaction, but I tried to move around him to fix the 'screaming bacon.' He threw himself in front of me again and quickly reached out and turned off the stove. The bacon kept screaming and Cameron started to panic. I'm pretty sure he was about to throw me into fireman's hold and rush out the door with me.

Then, in one last attempt to save my husband, and our beautiful breakfast, I boldly stepped forward to the stove, turned off the back burner, and moved the boiling kettle off of the heat and opened the lid so it would stop whistling. We were saved!

We had a good laugh about that. I was so in love with my husband, and I could tell he loved me. One year later, we're even more in love! Life is wonderful!

Now every time we use our kettle and it starts to whistle, we scream, "THE BACON IS EXPLODING!" and duck and cover until we manage to stop laughing. We have also declared November 21st, the day after our wedding anniversary, to be our National Bacon Day, which, by law, must be celebrated by the eating of bacon with breakfast.

Celebrate with us next Thursday, and eat some bacon!

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Unplug

Some people are good at multitasking. I am not. I'm so bad that if I'm doing anything that requires more concentration then pacing (like noticing a pretty bird outside the window or clicking a pen) I completely lose track of the conversation that I'm in. This has gotten even worse since being pregnant. Don't even bother trying to get me to answer a question if I'm watching a movie that I don't have memorized.

My husband is much better. He can send an email and talk to me at the same time. He can watch a movie and write a paper without ending up with a copy of the movie script instead like I do.

From these examples it's probably obvious that I should turn off my electronic devices, close books, put on blinders, tie my hands behind my back, etc. if I want to make my husband feel that I'm paying attention to him and that what he has to say is valuable and interesting to me. But why should he? If he's still capable of having a conversation with me, why should he have to give up Tiny Wings, work, school, or Twitter when we're talking? It's all about quality time.

When you're not willing to give someone your undivided attention, it sends the message that they are not as important as your phone, your work, your book. Should you do this to your spouse? NO! Ironically we often treat our family poorly because they have to love us no matter what, but they should be the ones we are kindest and closest to, ESPECIALLY our spouse because we got to choose that one. Your spouse should be your best friend, your one true love, and the last person on Earth you want to hurt or offend. One of the greatest ways to show your love is through quality time. Put away your other activities for a while, look him in the eyes, and just give time to having a real conversation.

If you're trying to have quality time but your spouse isn't taking the hint and putting away the Nintendo, it may be time to try the magical remedy of (drumroll, please) Communication! Try waiting until they are no longer engulfed in that activity, even if it's an unnecessary one, and kindly (not naggingly or accusingly) express that you would like to, as a couple, have time where you put aside other things, unplug, and just have time together. It's hard not to lash out when you're angry, or to make a snide remark to try and get the other person's attention, but it is not a loving way to deal with the issue and will escalate the problem instead of solving it. If your spouse is otherwise occupied, give them an obvious cue that you need their attention before diving in. Try something like "Honey, can I talk to you about something?" or "Would you mind putting that away for a little while? I have something I'd like to talk about." Then wait for them to willingly turn their attention to you before you start. Subtlety is usually lost on people who are not looking, or listening, in your direction.

My dear husband is so patient with me. When I get distracted by a witty bumper sticker and comment on it while we're driving together, he lovingly responds and brings the conversation back to where we were. Sometimes when he realizes that my train of thought is not following the conversation, he gently breaks my daydream and reminds me that he needs me to listen when he is talking about things that are important to him.

Remember to be patient, and not be easily offended. Remember how much you love him/ her and that he or she loves you, too. She's most likely NOT maliciously trying to tune you out. He's just human, and will make mistakes sometimes.

Playing video games, watching movies, and listening to music together can be a lot of fun and a great way to bond, but its not good to do it all the time. Texting is a wonderful invention, but don't use it for important or sensitive topics (like apologies or discussions of needs that are not currently being met.) Again, make time for just each other. Come up with activities where your eyes don't have to be glued to something else. Turn off the radio in the car. Just be together and take the time to let your love grow and continue to get to know each other!

What are some things that you like to do when you're 'unplugged?' Do you have any good remedies for a distracted spouse? How do you show your undivided attention to each other?

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Continuing Courtship

My dear husband Cameron asked if he could write the post on courtship, so here it is! I love that we can do this little project together :)

Dating, courtship, and engagement were amazing periods of time for Dana and myself. We loved it. We were together everyday doing something. One day we were dancing in front of the castle at Disneyland, other days it was making Macaroni and Cheese on a cold wintery day. Whatever we did, we loved being together. 

Courting one another is an essential part of the pre-marriage and post-wedding stage. I have found that as I try to do things for and with my wife that our marriage blossoms exponentially. 

Elder Christiansen said once: “Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in school, work, extracurricular activities that we lose sight of those who are closest to us. My grandfather, Grandpa Blake, always tells Dana to call him if I don't treat her right… luckily she hasn't had to call him! I am grateful for that. I think that we have been able to grow in our love since our marriage is because we have taken to time to court one another. We go out of our way to do things for one another. Sometimes things are spontaneous and other times we plan well in advance to spend special time together. 

These are three things that Dana and I do to continue courting one another: 

1. Go on dates! This is a biggie! Every week, take the time to just be alone together. Whether that is at home watching a movie, taking a walk, shooting guns (we don't do this one much but we have friends and family that do), whatever, take the time to be together. Turn off your cell phone, or just be disciplined and don't look at it. This is YOUR time together that makes a marriage grow. 
2. Be spontaneous! Guys, if a crazy awesome idea enters your mind and you have a second to decide, do it with her! One day we were walking on BYU campus heading south. As you walk from north to south there is a 9 story building called the Spencer W Kimball Building, or SWKT (swi-ket). We saw one of our friends who happens to be a security guard walking in front of us. We went spy-style, followed him for a minute, and then caught up with him. He told us he was going to the top of the SWKT to check things out and invited us along! We said YES! The top is locked at all times, so this was a real treat! He let us stay up there for as long as we wanted and we had a blast, and a great view of Provo. None of that would have happened had we not been spontaneous. 
3. Have fun! Dating and beginning to court is awesome and so much fun! Be respectful and do appropriate activities. Courtship in marriage is also a blast! You are married (or will be married) to your best friend. Treat your spouse as the queen or king that they are. When life gives you lemons, just laugh and move forward!! Enjoy your time together. Loving, laughing, and courting are activities that make your marriage strong. 

Allow me to reiterate something: you are married to your BEST FRIEND. Cherish every moment you have and court each other every moment of every day, and you will be happy. 

What are ways that you court one another? We'd like to know. 

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Set Goals Together

Setting goals, individually and as a couple, is really important in marriage. It forces you to think of where you want to go and who you want to become, and gives you direction in your life and in your relationship. As you discuss your needs and those of your partner, your dreams and aspirations, and how you want to get there (see Communication,) you will be able to become one in purpose and have the same vision for where you want to go. This will make the journey much easier and more enjoyable, since you will be working with instead of against each other. The end result will also be more fulfilling if you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you and your spouse are happy and fulfilled and that you accomplished something together.

Goals can be for the long or short term (I want to finish this project within the next two hours, or I want to get a doctorate degree.) I usually set shorter term goals, but I find that they have the most purpose and help me get somewhere worthwhile when I think about where I want to be in the long term. Basically,  *What is the reality I want to create? I think 1, 5, 10 years down the road, maybe more, and decide what my spiritual, educational, physical, financial, marital, familial (etc, etc,) situation will be. In ten years, I'll be 31. Do I want to have completed my undergrad? Do I want to have credit card debt? Do I want to have children and still be married to Cameron? What do I want my relationship with them to be like? What do I want my reality to be? This is the first step. 

(If you haven't worked through this part with your spouse, make sure that you do! You want the same vision for your family so that you can work together towards your goals. Its definitely ok to try and come up with a vision before you talk about it, but make sure that you do discuss it together. If you have personal goals, such as for your health, sharing these with your spouse as well as goals and visions that pertain to them, can be a great motivator. If you have someone who can ask you how your goals are going, it can be easier to remember to do them, because you want to be able to answer well.)

The second step is to then figure out how to get there. Say you want to be free of credit card debt in 10 years (putting house and car payments aside, maybe.) The best way to get there is to not fall into debt in the first place. How do you do that? Spend less than you make every month, and make payments on time. How do you know how much you can spend? And so on. Keep asking how and why like a three-year-old until you're able to break your task down into specific, measurable, and doable goals. These three things are important because if a goal is too ambiguous, you have no way to measure how well you're doing at it, or if it's just not possible, then it won't get done and you won't get anywhere.

Next, set timelines for yourself. Sometimes it's good to work backwards. Start with the long term and work your way down to the short term, to make sure that you have time to do everything. Say I have a paper due for school in three weeks. I need to come up with a topic, do research, write one or two preliminary drafts, check those, and print my essay. Starting with printing and going backwards, when do I want to get each of those items done? Take into account how long each of these steps will take to do well. 

Four: Write Down Your Goals! Then put them in a place where you can see them often and think about how well you've done. I've never been particularly good at this part, but it is so important, because it helps you to remember your goals and keep track of them. Keeping track of your progress is important, too. It can be rewarding if you're doing well, or motivation to do better. Do what's best for you. If you need to have someone to be accountable to, ask your spouse to check with you every so often on how you're coming along. 

Remember, marriage is about becoming one as a couple. If you're working in different directions, it's probably not going to happen. Marriage is work, but it can be remarkable fun and rewarding as long as we're willing to work together and give our hearts wholly to each other and to our Father in Heaven.

*I heard this phrase from Bob Quinn, who I think was quoting it from a book titled The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Be Spontaneous!

I know we’re going out of order, here. Hubby wanted to write the “continuing courtship” post but I had time to write today so I’m posting this one :).

I’ve heard some couples complain about feeling like they’re stuck in a rut. Sometimes Cameron and I get into a routine that isn’t the most fun and we want to break out of it. (Honestly, that happens the most when we start watching TV a lot.) The best way to get out of this is to be spontaneous! Surprise your spouse with an outing, try a new recipe or restaurant, go somewhere you’ve never been together, break your routine.

This can be really hard to do when you’re both working, or going to school, or both. Your daily routine is pretty much set for you. So how do you break out of the monotony? Look at your priorities. What are the things that are most important to you as a couple? For Cameron and I we make sure that we pray together and have personal and couple scripture study every day, and of course we go to work and school and try to eat well and keep the house clean, but other than that, our priorities are flexible. Put first things first, then see what’s taking up your time that could come out of your routine to make way for play time.

            1.     Weekends

Weekends are a great time to mix it up because you generally have a little bit more time. If you or your spouse works or has school on the weekends, try to find another day where you can both take a break to be together. Weekends are also a great time for short trips. If you can afford it, take a Friday or Monday off of work to give yourselves a three-day weekend and get out of town. Go camping, stay at a bed and breakfast, even in your own town, and just look for adventures where you are.

             2.    Evenings

They’re a great time to throw your routine to the wind and have a bit of fun! Evenings are better for slightly shorter excursions and adventures, especially since you might have to be up early the next morning. And guess what? You can be spontaneous at home! One night a few months ago Cam was feeling a bit down and we’d been doing the same old dinner-and-a-movie-at-home spiel for several date nights, so I suggested we go camping. It was about 55 degrees and raining, and let me tell you I only like camping in nice weather, and even then I get a little grumpy sometimes. I pulled out our tent and camping chairs into the living room, we pushed the furniture into the kitchen and we set up our tent right there! 

We went to the store and grabbed some Jiffy Pop (the kind that comes in a little tinfoil skillet that turns into a bubble when you pop it)

and then ran over to J-dawgs and got some delicious hot dogs, because obviously those are the two things you eat when you are cooking over a “fire."For some reason neither of us thought to get marshmallows. We made a “fire pit” in our tent by putting twinkling Christmas lights in a basket, then rolling up pieces of paper to be our “logs.”

We brought ALL of our blankets into the tent so it would be comfortable to lie on the floor and we played cards, told stories, and ended up falling asleep. It was really fun (and warm and dry, I might add) and it was a great way to break our routine!

               3.     Mornings

If you don’t have anywhere to be super early, or even if you do, mornings can be a great time to mix it up. Wake up early and make your spouse a nice breakfast, drive up to a hill and watch the sunrise. Do something you don’t usually do whether its exercise together, eat together, do the crossword puzzle in the paper together, just set aside as little as ten minutes to do something with your spouse that you generally don’t do with each other. Together time, where you’re really mentally there together, is one of the best ways to come closer and connect.

I'm so grateful for my husband who is always so thoughtful and helps lift me up and is always looking for ways to be spontaneous and show his love to me. How are some ways that you and your spouse are spontaneous and keep from getting stuck in your routine? What do you like to do together for fun?