Family

I've had a LOT of little, and a few not so little, things piling up lately, and although I have been keeping my head above water, it's just barely. I sadly have not been turning to the Lord as much as I should, but General Conference came just in time, and gave me an opportunity to spend the entire weekend with my family.

I am so grateful for my family. I love them so much, and am so grateful for the way they are consistently willing to do everything they can for me. I love how much love I feel when I go to their homes. I love being cared for, and having the opportunity to care for them in turn, instead of being alone.

My sweet, sweet cousin Taelor, who is a whopping three years old, voluntarily sang me a lullaby and tucked me into bed before she was sent upstairs to bed sunday night, and then came and woke me up in the morning, announcing that it was breakfast time and helped be to select the best options from the pantry.

I am so grateful for this, and for other expressions of love I've received over the last few days, and my whole life, from my wonderful family. Thank you all so very much :)

Thank you also to my friends who treat me like family--who consistently take care of me, love me, and support me. You're the best!

He Knows Me

God is good.

All the time.

Even when I get frustrated and stamp my feet and shout at the sky,

"Why can't something just work out the way I want it to!?"

Yup, even then.

Because in the midst of this ranting and fussing and womanly indignation I come inside to find a nine page letter from my really good friend who is on his mission. I was wondering why it was taking him so long to write me back. Now I know. It was so that I could have that little bit of comfort and a reminder of my previously more optimistic outlook on trials, right at that moment when I needed a hug and some Humble Pie.

Thank you Father for knowing me, and knowing how to care for me,

and thank you Anders for your wonderful letter.

Something Anders reminded me of that I had told him in the last letter I sent him:

In the hymn "Nearer my God to Thee," there is a line that says "[I wish to be] Nearer to Thee, e'en though it be a cross that raiseth me." Our trials bring us closer to the Lord, if we let them. If we want to be closer to our Father in Heaven we have to be willing to go through trials to get there. I need to do a better job of remembering that when I'm actually going through something difficult.

Try a Little Harder to Be a Little Better

I have been trying lately to be the person I want to become. It has been mostly subconscious, a series of choices that have led to a change of habits and way of thinking. I have been trying to allow the Savior to change me, and the moment I let go of my fears and pride the tiniest bit He began working. I have been blessed with incredible patience, motivation, and love. I have been given glimpses of how He sees those around me. He has given me so many second chances, and in trying to be like Him, I've found myself naturally wanting to do the same for others.

The Lord is great. He loves us, He wants us to be happy, and He wants us to be like Him. It is not easy, and we will mess up, but that doesn't mean we are lost. He will always do what is best for us, even if we cannot understand how or why.

I know that if every day each of us were to try a little harder to be a little better, that we would succeed, we would be happier, and the world would be a much nicer place, both because of our perception and the effect we would have on it.

Good friends

My friend Elizabeth blogs like mad, and I love reading everything she posts. Today her entry was particularly inspiring. Check it out :)

I am so grateful for all my wonderful friends who are such good examples to me of optimism and good natured fun.

I love being able to be my goofy self with my friends and family. I love that I have friends who will text me and remind me to pray, or be grateful, or just send a smile :)

Life is sweet. It may not be perfect, I may not be perfect, but our Savior is, and because of that I can be at peace with whatever happens.

Choices

I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, and as my mom can tell you, I don't like making big decisions. It got to the point where all I wanted to do was sit in my bed and mope and think about how hard everything was. (which is not in any way helpful just in case you were wondering.) I was staring my problems in the face and waiting for them to go away, but it just wasn't happening.

I was going through my New Testament notes one day and I saw something that had stood out to me before, but I had failed to take to heart. It said that to find peace we have to stop looking at our problems and look at the solution: our Savior.

I realized that I hadn't been really accepting my Father in Heaven's help, even though I'd been on my knees asking for it. I was too proud to let go of my anger and pain so that He could take it. Once I realized this, I went straight to my knees, apologized for my stubbornness, and asked for help to be humble and to have the courage to do what I knew what was right. I then got up and made the biggest choice: to be happy. I told myself that I was so blessed and had nothing to be upset about. I was done with Pity Parties and pouting, and I was going to be cheerful and grateful for everything I had. It didn't matter what I lacked, because I have a Father in Heaven that loves me and a Savior that gave his life for me so that I could return to Heaven. I have a loving family here on Earth, fantastic friends, and everything necessary to life. What more could I ask for?

I recognized that this was easier said than done, so I told my roommates and close friends my resolution, and that if I were upset about anything trivial that they were to give me a hug and tell me to stop worrying about it because everything is wonderful. The surprising thing is that I haven't even been tempted to mope around my house since then (about a week ago.) My problems aren't gone, but with an eternal perspective they look so much smaller. I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for his love and help and for enabling me to live in a happy way.

"I will not leave you comfortless"

Today I am filled with gratitude for my Savior. At times of such intense emotion, I often have difficulty finding my own words, so I've found myself quoting songs and scriptures when trying to describe my feelings. Most of them are in His praise, but I have found one phrase returning to my mind that is a promise from Him:

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

In my time of trial, he has surely come to me. His spirit has not left my side, and he has sent friends to me to comfort and strengthen me. I am so blessed to have knowledge of my savior and his goodness. I love him, I love his gospel, and I love my life, however trying it may be. I am grateful for my trials, as they give me an opportunity to learn and grow closer to him. Too often I say to myself that I don't want to learn anymore, I'm tired of growing. It's too hard. But today, I am strangely optimistic. I am making the choice to take the higher road mentioned by Paul in Romans 5, of allowing our tribulations to teach us patience, give us experience, endow us with hope, and take away our shame.

We always have a choice. No matter how hard our situation is, if we choose to look up, it will inevitably get better. I was told yesterday in my Stake Conference by our stake Relief Society President that if we face our challenges with optimism, things will always work out. I believe that.

The URL of my blog is 2 Timothy 1:8, but if you go back a verse, you find this

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love, and of a sound mind."

The Lord wants us to succeed. He is always supporting us, as long as we let him. He knows us individually, and loves us more than we can comprehend.

"Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"

Whenever you open yourself up to let someone in, it makes you more vulnerable, more fragile, and sometimes it stinks. Everything seems bigger than it is, and I'm already gifted in making a mountain out of a molehill, so it feels like Everest is staring me in the face. I just have to say "oh well" and start climbing. Today has been one of those days

Thankfully, I have been given wonderful friends. Not only did I have friends spontaneously talk to me, leading to fun times, last night, but I had a wonderful time in church in preparation for my not-so-great afternoon. My beautiful next door neighbors took me in, since my room mates are gone. They talked to me, and distracted me, and invited me to stay for dinner as well! They are so sweet. My gorgeous friend Michelle also called me and wants to do something fun to help me get my mind off of the sad thing.

The Lord has also helped me to try and look outwards during this itty-bitty trial, and to think momentarily of others. This is hard, but when I do it, I always feel better. I'm grateful for the promptings of the Holy Ghost to care for others and their hardships.

My Wonderful Family

I love my family. They are so amazing. We may be a quirky, nerdy, silly, eclectic group, but we know how to laugh and we know how to love. I got to skype with my family today, and it was fantastic. I miss them so much, and really wish I lived closer to home. Or that they lived closer to here.

I love that we all love music and make it together. I love that my little brother is enough of a man to make up for the fact that he's the only boy out of five kids, and that he's willing to put up with the rest of our girly ways.

I love that we're such comedians. I think we inherited it from my dad... actually I'm positive. He's hilarious, and I love it. I don't think we had more than one or two conversations over Christmas break that didn't end with me crying from laughter. I love laughing, and I love being happy, and I'm so grateful for my family's ability to help me stay that way.

I love that we have so many common interests, and also so many different ones. For example, we've all played soccer, all of the girls have taken dance classes, and we all sing or play an instrument. Cameron is a PRO beatboxer. He and my sister Sarah frequently do spontaneous dubstep arrangements, and it's awesome. It drives Mary crazy, who much prefers her classical piano and flute (she's a prodigy--absolutely amazing at everything she tries), and Lizzie just goes crazy dancing and singing to any music being made or played on the computer.

My parents are wonderful. They are such hard workers, and so kind and generous to others. My dad is such an amazing example of patience and love. I've rarely seen a man look at a woman with so much love as I see on my dad's face when he comes home. I want to marry someone who looks at me that way.

Besides always being there for me to talk to, and offer advice, I love how good of a cook my mom is, and how she's taught me her magical ways in the art of perfect baking. Not only does everything that comes out of her kitchen taste good, but it looks amazing as well! She's a wizard. No lie.

I'm so grateful for the examples ALL of the members of my family set for me, and that even though I'm 2,000 miles away, I can stay in contact with them and have the promise of being with them forever.

A Little Taste of Motherhood

For the past 3 weeks I was babysitting my cousins in Orem, and it was tiring. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I am also glad that I don't actually have four kids, a full load of classes, and no husband to help and offer emotional support. I really did have a fantastic time, though. It felt so good to be caring for children. It just felt so right. People are meant to be in families, and I can't wait until I can have my own. Don't worry, I'm not going to rush into anything; but as much as I am enjoying my single life, I know that I don't want to be here forever. I have always felt that there was nothing more important for me than becoming a mother and raising my children the best that I can. Again, I'm not in any hurry, but I'm excited for when the time comes. Although I am emotionally exhausted, I am so grateful for this amazing opportunity that I had, and for my wonderful cousins. I love them so much :)

I will, however, enjoy not having a sick baby join me in my bed in the middle of the night ;)