A Heart Like His

A while back, in the middle of a rather emotionally difficult trial, I realized that I was closing my heart. I was trying to block out the pain and anger I was feeling, but all that the walls seemed to be keeping out was love and joy. I was utterly apathetic. I hate being apathetic. I'm a really emotional person, and so to feel nothing is strange and uncomfortable and depressing. I like myself best when I smile at myself in the mirror and sing no matter what I'm doing, not being the sullen, jaded, spiteful little girl I occasionally let myself become. The morning after I discovered this and decided that I needed to change my heart, a girl in Women's Chorus gave us a beautiful devotional. I don't remember what she said, but the spirit touched me through her words as she told us about her experience reading a book, A Heart Like His by Virginia H Pearce, and told me that I needed to open my heart, I needed a heart like my Savior's.

After the devotional we began to rehearse. We were singing an arrangement of the Hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee," with two new verses.

Stir my heart with love's compassion,
When in weakness I withhold.
I would heal as thou hast healed me,
Comfort, strengthen, and enfold.
Stir my heart with love's compassion,
Lord, I would follow Thee.

Precious, fleeting is my time here.
Whisper wisdom to my mind,
Courage when my heart is aching,
Faith when fear is all I find.
Precious fleeting is my time here,
Lord, I would follow Thee.

As we sang them, tears started to flow as I felt for the first time the truth and importance of those words.   I could finally feel. I knew that my Father loved me, that I was the one that had pushed him away, and I needed to change.

It was difficult at first, to try to allow the walls to fall, because I was certain that the first thing I would feel was pain, but I was simultaneously given love and joy. I found myself smiling and singing again, and it was lovely. It was also hard, and I still felt rather hopeless at times. Although I felt that I should stay in Provo for the summer I almost gave up and went home, because it is so nice to be taken care of and surrounded by family, and so hard to feel alone, but God gave me the strength and courage I needed to do His will as I asked for it.

It has been a long road, and I know there is still a very long way to go before I can even come close to having a heart like the Lord's, but as soon as I let Him in, He has been with me every step of the way and giving me comfort. I love Him, and my Father in Heaven so very much, and I am so grateful for all that they have given to me.