Ramblings on Education and Motherhood.

Today I am grateful for my baby. I love him so much! Since he has started eating more solid food and sleeping better at night he seems happier and happier all the time. There are still rough moments, but his personality is blossoming and it is beautiful to see.

Recently Cameron and I have felt that we need to explore other options for grad school. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time because I will most likely have to do many years of taking classes through independent study to finish my degree if we leave. I started looking at options for graduating and for a brief moment I saw a glimpse of myself and my dear husband standing together in our graduation robes, holding our sweet little boy and walking across that stage together. It would be so wonderful, but unless they somehow decide that being a mom erases the need for completing a major, it's just not going to happen. It's hard to give up that dream. I may not ever dress in blue robes and a silly cap and shake the university presidents hand, because I will probably be graduating from somewhere far away, a long time down the road. It's really hard to just close that door but this is what I chose.

I felt strongly that having Sam when we did was what the Lord wanted for us. I still feel that way. I feel that taking a light load of classes so that most of my time can be spent in being a mother is the right thing for me. I have no regrets. I wish I could get a degree just for having a baby, but it doesn't work that way, and I know that I have chosen the best path for me. This is what the Lord has asked me to do and I will finish it.

My family comes first and foremost. I would not trade Samuel or my time with him for anything! I am so grateful for the joy and love that he brings to my life. Whenever I am tired or stressed his loving smiles and infectious giggles and his incessant babbling of "mamamamama" make everything wonderful! I love him so much and want to be my best for him. 

Random Update on Our Life

I haven't written in forever. School has been very busy, being a mom has been busy, realizing that plans for six months from now will probably change drastically (No, we're not pregnant)
so, blogging falls by the wayside.

But life has been full of so many blessings!

Samuel continues to grow. He hasn't gained much weight recently, my milk supply has probably gone down since he has to take a bottle most days that I'm at school, but we caught it early and the doctor is helping us get a routine set up to help him get the food he needs.

I got an A on my first ASL test! Which is awesome, 'cause last semester was not quite so good. I'm also loving my English class. I LOVE the way my teacher sets everything up and forces us to work on our essays slowly by having us turn them in piece by piece, focussing on different aspects every time! It's helping my writing so much.

I have also submitted a piece to a magazine! I think I'd like to do more of that! I don't know yet if it will be published or not, but I've decided that I'd like to try to write more, and if I can get published that would be fantastic! I'm also currently working on two children's books. An illustrating major just moved into our ward, so I may have to ask if she'd like to collaborate.

Cameron is thinking of other options for grad school (we were originally planning to stay here) so that potentially puts me in a tough spot for graduating. Still totally doable, I'd just have to do online classes if we left Provo. But we're praying and counseling together and I'm sure we'll find the best solution. (I just hope it's soon so we can plan for the future!)

General conference was AWESOME. My dad was able to come out early for a business trip and spend sunday conference with us, and Cameron's mom and little sister came up for Saturday conference. It was so wonderful to see them! I also made my mom's oh-so-delicious cinnamon rolls and they were awesome! (I'll probably share the recipe on here sometime because it is SO good!)
and, of course, I absolutely loved the messages that were shared! I especially loved all the messages about being kind and courteous to others, regardless of whether we have different beliefs. I know I struggled with that a little when I was younger, and it can still be hard to respond with kindness when people are cruel or hurtful to me or others, but I have a testimony that God wants us to love each other and treat each other well. I hope that I can continue to try to become more christ-like, especially as I go back and listen to the talks from conference over again.

Sam's sleep training is going really well! (Except last night he woke up several times, but I think that he is legitimately teething this time, so we'll let it slide and hope it doesn't become the norm.) He felt so bad for keeping me up all night last night that he let me take an almost-three-hour nap with him today! It was much needed.

Thanks for letting me just blurt out random pieces of news. I am loving life! I am loving a more structured schedule for Sam, and I love the Lord!
Happy October!

(here's a sneak peak of some pictures my dad took of us over the weekend!)

Seven Months Old

This month has gone by much too quickly. My sweet, sweet Samuel is growing too fast! I really can't stand it. He is now scooting all over the apartment at top speed, still mostly army crawling. The day he turned seven months he succeeded in pulling himself into a standing position without any help form Cameron or me! Now he can shuffle sideways in a standing position and gets super excited about it!

He loves to laugh. At least once a week he finds something new that makes him so happy that he has to giggle. Some new discoveries include turning a light switch on and off, the "rawr" sound mommy makes when we're playing with his lion rattle, burying his face in the soft back cushions of our new couches, flicking rain drops off of leaves.

He's done remarkably well dealing with coming to school twice a day with me, though I've discovered that I need to get a rainproof cover for the stroller. We're swapping babysitting with two other couples and Samuel loves his little friends (both just a few months older than him!) He's become much more vocal since meeting his friend K. and even though L. doesn't talk back to him much he loves to blabber to both of them. His favorite words these days are "blah" and "hi" (though I don't think he knows what they mean. He is starting to respond to his name though! That's super exciting :)

Today we started sleep training, and it is not going nearly as smoothly as all the other blogger mommies make it sound. I'm praying it starts going more smoothly soon. We're not even doing the cry-it-out method, but its still been a pretty teary experience for him, but he's asleep now! I think he's finally figuring out that I'll come back in when he's not crying and that its ok to fall asleep without eating at the same time. Here's hoping he magically sleeps through the night! And that he get's to nap tomorrow.

He is such a little angel and I am so grateful that he came to our home. I am so grateful to be his mommy, to see his sweet smiles every day, to be able to make him happy, and to be able to take care of him! It is such a blessing, and I am so grateful! 

Where Were You?

Thirteen years ago today I was nine years old. I was homeschooled at the time, so my siblings and I were all working on our respective assignments when the phone rang. I don't remember who called but I remember my mothers face turning white. She flew to the black tube TV and turned it on. On the screen were the images of two burning sky scrapers and the planes that had crashed into them. It looked like a science fiction movie to me, but my mother's crying scared me. I tried to console her.

"Mommy, it's just a movie. It isn't real."

I don't recall her exact response but I slowly started to realize that this was real, that it had happened on purpose. I was so frightened. 

As I think back on that day, and the anniversary every year since then, the question that always seems to be asked is "where were you?" But after thirteen years I think we have a more important question to ask ourselves: "Where are we now?" How far have we come? What have we learned? If it happened again today, would we react differently? Would we still come together in unity as a country and reach out in love and compassion to our neighbors? Would the words "God Bless America" still be emblazoned on so many memorials? Would we still be Americans?

Or would the race or religious group of the person that committed the crime be threatened and hated? Would we be quick to anger and slow to understand? Would we look for revenge?

I hope that as we remember today those who lost their lives on that day that we ask ourselves, "are we better today than we were then?" And if we find that the answer is "no," I pray that we take the necessary steps to become so.

God Bless America!

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred II

I know that a lot of people will disagree with me about this post, but I feel that it is very important that I share it.  Just because I am saying that I think you're wrong, that does not mean that I don't love and respect you, so please be kind and respect my freedom of speech as I respect yours.

Things that are sacred should not be taken lightly. Marriage is sacred, as is your relationship with your spouse and their trust. Sexual intimacy is sacred and should not be treated casually or shared outside of marriage.

Abstinence before marriage is a legitimate option. My husband and I are both so grateful that we chose not to share that part of ourselves with anyone else or even with each other until we were married. It has brought us so much closer, and enabled us to see sex as the God-given gift that it is and use it purely as an expression of love. I'm so grateful that I never have to try not to think of anyone else when I'm with my husband.

Once you're married, that doesn't necessarily mean that anything goes. You still need to respect the sanctity of intimacy, and you still need to be faithful to your spouse. Decide with your spouse and the Lord what is righteous, and what you are comfortable with. Don't push your spouse to do things that they are uncomfortable with, even if you don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Fidelity to your spouse obviously excludes having sex with anyone else, but there are other ways of being unfaithful. The Lord said "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). (Women, this scripture applies to you as well.) Sometimes bad thoughts will come into your mind. Sometimes images or words or music that are offensive are put in front of you and it's not your fault. What is your fault is when you continue to entertain those thoughts, or keep looking or listening. When you do something with the intent to have sexual thoughts or feelings about another person besides your spouse, this is a sin.

Pornography is not a righteous thing. It is a form of infidelity, it is harmful not only to yourself, but to your marriage, your family, and it damages your view of sexuality, changing it from something Godly to something base, dirty, and sinful. Whether it's videos, pictures, books, music, you-name-it, if it causes you to think of someone other than your spouse in a sexual way, stop it. It doesn't matter the rating, the medium, or who recommended it to you. If your mind starts wandering places you shouldn't go, get away from it. Run like Joseph did from Potiphar's wife. Run and don't look back.

Porn not only ruins your view of sexuality, but of love, people, and bodies. Sex is not love. It can and aught to be a way of expressing  love, but lust is not the same as love. Pornography damages your ability to see the difference and recognize pure, godly love. Porn objectifies men and women, and their bodies, turning them into objects meant solely for gratification. We not only see this in explicit pornography, but in advertising everywhere. We need to see people first and foremost as children of our Heavenly Father, not bodies to be stared at.

Don't allow yourself to become too emotionally attached to anyone other than your spouse. Guard your emotions. Even if the feelings you have for someone else aren't sexual, they can still be unfaithful in nature. It can harm your relationship with your spouse. Remember to love your spouse more than anyone. "Cleave unto her [or him] and none else" (Gen 2; D&C 42:22.)

If you already have a problem with infidelity or pornography or anything else I've talked about, it's not too late to change. Because of the Savior's atonement you can start over, multiple times a day if you have to. He loves you, he will forgive you, and he can help you to rebuild your life. If you find that you have an addiction to pornography or anything else and can't kick the habit on your own, seek help. It's ok. There are lots of fantastic resources to help you overcome it. Talk to your church leaders, find addiction recovery groups in your community, ask your family members and friends for help and support. You can do it.

Marriage and family are central to God's plan for our salvation and happiness. Sex is also a part of that plan--not just for bringing children into the world, but for our enjoyment and for expressing love to our spouse. Because it is so sacred, we must treat it that way. The Lord loves us. We can do hard things, we can obey his commandments, and we can love and respect our spouses (current or future.)

If you're interested, here are some great talks on the same topics I covered.
Protection from Pornography--a Christ Centered Home
Personal Purity
Sanctify Yourselves: This talk was given specifically to an audience of men but it applies to everyone
Nurturing Marriage
LDS Addiction Recovery

#tbt

I never seem to feel nostaligic on Thursdays. I've really wanted to do a #tbt (Throw Back Thursday) Instagram or Facebook post for a long time (not sure why, to be one of the cool kids I guess) but I never think of it on Thursday. So, I propose a new list of hashtags for those of us who feel nostalgic not on a Thursday.

#mlm - Memory Lane Monday
#tbtu - Throwback Tuesday (cheating? Maybe.)
#wbw - Way Back Wednesday (or WABAC for you Mr. Peabody fans)
#fbf - Flashback Friday
#sts - SenTimental Saturday (because I felt like it needed more than 2 letters.)

Or maybe just
#nnot - Nostalgic Not On Thursday

Feeling Grateful Today

Being a mom is really time consuming, and mind consuming, and all consuming. I hardly think about anything else, ever (which is why I really ought to be reviewing ASL right now instead of writing this, but it's nice to do something just for fun.)

I love my life. Goodness, I get tired sometimes, like all-the-times, but it is so wonderful! I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven who strengthens me. There are many moments, like yesterday morning, when I am too tired to even think about moving but I say a little prayer and He helps me to keep pushing on without falling over or dropping my baby, and then blesses me with a nap!

I'm also so grateful for my husband who is so supportive and helpful. Even though he has a sprained ankle and a cold and is taking the GRE this weekend he still takes the time to help me and just sit and talk and make me feel loved!

I am also so grateful for my little angel baby. He is so wonderful. Yesterday was tough, I think he might be catching whatever I have, but his little smiles and giggles make me so happy. No matter what burdens I am carrying, his smile lightens them instantly. Motherhood is amazing. I can't even begin to describe how much I have grown, especially emotionally. I've always had a pretty low threshold for stress and sleep deprivation (anyone who knew me in high school can tell you I got sick all the time) but I have been strengthened in my mind and body. I've learned how to keep pushing, to just take one more step, and then another, and another, until I'm running full speed again. It truly is a miracle.

I'm so grateful for all my friends and family, for their love and support, and for the joy it gives me to know that I am not alone.

I'm grateful for baby bouncers and bagels with strawberry cream cheese.

I'm grateful for baby giggles and kind strangers and windows that open.

I'm grateful for sunshine, I'm grateful for rain, I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in that I used to think was a barren desert. I'm grateful that my mind can change!

I'm grateful for my tiny apartment that has a full sized stove, oven, and refrigerator. I'm grateful for the concrete floors covered in cheap linoleum and million year old carpet that don't creak when I'm putting my baby down to sleep.

I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for my family members that I have known who have passed away. I'm grateful for their examples, and for the love I still feel from them.

I'm grateful for my faith: for my knowledge of a life after this where we can have a second chance and can be with our families again. I'm grateful for a merciful God who loves me, and all of us, more than anything!

I am grateful that happiness is a choice!

Six Months!

Five days late, but here it goes! Sam is six months old! (And currently asleep, can I get a "hallelujah?" I'm sick and this is his second nap today which hasn't been happening lately so I'm super excited, since I slept during his first one.)

Sleeping in the Car

Major updates for this month: Sam is scooting! I wouldn't exactly call it crawling yet but he's on his way for sure! Which means I need to make sure nothing that isn't ok to go in his mouth is on the floor. Thankfully we cleaned well before we went on our big trip so we just have to not put anything new on the floor.

Sam scooting with Daddy

Speaking of our trip, Samuel went on his first (and second, third, fourth) plane ride(s)! We had a couple plane changes. But he did really well! On the first three flights he fell asleep as between when the engines turned on and when we reached cruising altitude, and on the first and third flight he didn't wake up until we landed! The last flight, which was only an hour, he was awake and happy the whole time. Everyone on the planes seemed really happy that he was such a good baby. We were so proud of our little guy!

Sam loved the curtains at my parents' home

He did great on our trip and loved meeting his uncle Cameron, aunt Lizzie (Stein) and Uncle Bryan, Aunt Felicia, and cousin Weston.  He also got to meet my high school choir teachers, a bunch of my favorite people who still live in our home ward, and my best friends from high school! He was fascinated by my sister's dog Franky, who was equally fascinated (and a little bit jealous) of Sam. Samuel had his first trip to Zingerman's Deli and a bunch of other neat places around Ann Arbor, met a cat for the first time (who thankfully didn't mind Sam constantly reaching for it's tail) and discovered that he loves soccer!

Playing with cousin "Fireman" Weston

He also tried his first taste of real food! He has only had avocado so far, but he really likes it. After two weeks of trying desperately to eat anything we were eating I finally just took some avocado that didn't make it into my sandwich and smooshed it up for him and fed him off my plate. He was a happy camper after that! Now he wants to try everything else on our plates... We're going to try peas and sweet potatoes next. Maybe it'll get me to eat more vegetables, too!

While we were in Vegas, Sam had his first experience with swimming where he didn't look miserable. I think he actually liked it! Unfortunately, he started getting cold and shivering so I really quick took him inside and dried him off, but he liked the water, especially the little fountain in the shallow end. He also made great friends with his cousin (once removed) Ellie, who is eight. They had a blast together. He also loved interacting with all of Ellie's older brothers, and my arms got a much appreciated break.

Sam has gotten much better at grabbing things and controlling his hands. He likes to put everything in his mouth. A few times he's managed to get his bottle into his mouth all on his own a few times, but has never tipped it high enough to get anything out of it on his own.

He laughs at a lot more things now as well, including clapping, sneezing, dancing, and continues to love tickling, raspberries, and kisses. He also is starting to recognize pictures of people. I've started putting my phone on speaker when people call so I can have my hands free and he can recognize his daddy's face and voice, and I think my mom's as well (they're the only ones I have really good pictures of in my contacts.)

He will have his six month check up on Monday, but from holding him on a scale and subtracting my weight he looks to be about 16 lbs! In the last couple of days he's sat up on his own and tried to pull himself up onto his daddy's stomach. He's growing up much too fast. I never understood when parents said that until now. I really wish he'd slow down! Especially since I'll be going back to school in a couple weeks I can't bear to think that he might change or do something new when I'm not there to see it! Being a mom is hard! I can handle the crying, the late nights, the poopy diapers, but I can't bear to see him grow so fast! Sigh.

can you believe how much he's grown?

5 Months Old!

Pictures to come later today.
Sam gets bigger and bigger every day, and so does his smile! He loves to giggle and smile and, recently, chatter and squeal. He still loves diaper changes and has taken to giggling every time I wipe him, especially if it's a very messy diaper. It sure makes my day. He also loves tummy zerberts (or raspberries,) nuzzles on his neck, being tickled in his armpits, kisses from Teddy Bear, and when mommy makes silly noises.

He's going through waves of sleep patterns, not helped at all, I'm sure, by our frequent traveling these days. He sometimes will sleep from ten 'till five, other times he'll stay up past midnight and then wake up every two hours.

In the last couple of days he has learned to roll over onto his back! Last month he was perfecting the back-to-front roll, but would then get stuck and let me know that he wanted to roll back over. He has also started sleeping on his side, which I think is adorable. I'll lay him in his crib on his back and he'll immediately roll onto his side, move his limbs around until he's comfortable, then drop right back to sleep. Cameron got me a rocking chair for my birthday and Sam loves it! I think it's good for him to be able to stay in his room to eat if he wakes up at night so that it's easier for him to fall back asleep with out being moved around so much. The rocking also helps him to calm down if he's fussy or wound up at bed time.

He's been trying hard to sit up on his own, and it is darling. If we're holding him he'll try to balance on his own, or if he's lying on an incline he'll lean his head forward and try to get himself centered. It's really sweet. He's also managed to get his toes into his mouth and he loves sucking on them. He's also frequently seen with two fingers from each hand stuffed in his mouth.

This month was Sam's first (and second) time going swimming. He didn't like it so much the first time, on a nice day in a cool pool, but he seemed to handle it pretty well on a hot, hot day at a lake.
We also took him to a movie for the first time! He was very well behaved. We went to the Scera theater in Orem to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 with my sister Mary and our cousin Raegen. This theater has a "cry room" for moms to take fussy babies into where you can still see and here the movie or play, but he didn't end up needing it. He also went to his first BYU soccer game!

Samuel loved meeting his auntie Mary. They got along the moment she got off the plane! They were instant friends and Sam treated her just the same as he does Cameron and me. It was so great to have Mary here for a few days and to have Sam be able to meet and bond with her. We're really excited to take Sam's first plane trip to Michigan to see all the family there in one week!

After a lot of driving around this month (family reunion in Draper, 4th of July in St George, day trips to Salt Lake City and Alpine) Sam has decided that he is not a big fan of his carseat. His teething is also getting worse and he seems to be in more pain, which is so sad. All in all, it has been a wonderful month. We are so grateful for all the joy that Sam brings to our home, and for the smiles, and sweet spirit, and love. We are a happy family :)