Graduation and Moving On

It's been forever since I've posted. I've been so busy with moving plans, finishing last semester, getting sick multiple times, yeah it's been pretty crazy. But also crazy awesome! Cameron Graduated from BYU! I'm so very proud of him. I have to admit it was really hard for me to be sitting in the audience during graduation and not next to my wonderful husband, wearing the cap and gown. I almost lost it a few times when well meaning friends and relatives kept bringing up that I wasn't done yet. I wanted to walk across that stage. I wanted to feel like all of the sacrifices I've made for my education and family were worth while. I wanted so badly to be done with this phase of trying to live two lives--stay at home mom and student. It's hard. It wasn't what I had planned.

But I got through it, and I'm trying hard to accept the plans the Lord has for me. I read a great quote today by Bonnie L. Oscarson: "If it is the Lord's plan, it should be our plan, too!" I have been selfish and thinking about me and what I've wanted and "why don't my plans ever work out?" But if I turn to the Lord and make his plans what I'm most concerned about then I will be a lot happier, because his plans are the ones that happen!

In my ideal world I would be graduated now and I'd be moving on to a time of life without homework instead of taking spring classes to try and finish as much as I can before we move in the fall, but I know that God is in control. I know that he gives me trials so that I can grow, and I need to be more grateful for what I do have. When we have hard times in our lives, we need to decide if we are going to become bitter or better. Lately I've been bitter, but now I want to be better!

I choose to look at my circumstances with gratitude! I choose to be happy, even when circumstances are not what I want them to be! I choose to be my best self.

I am so grateful for my family! I am grateful for my husband and all the sacrifices that he makes for Sam and me. I am grateful for Sam and would never ever exchange him for a college degree. I love him with all my heart and know that starting our family when we did was the right thing to do for us! It may not be easy, but it is absolutely glorious!

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for his love and support. I am so grateful for how patient he is with my constant shortcomings. I love him and hope I can keep trying to become more like him!

Samuel's Favorite Things// First Birthday Update

Samuel is one year old! He is the cutest little thing you have ever seen and I am so grateful to be his mommy! This has been at the same time the hardest and most beautiful and rewarding year of my life. From 1am (and two, and three, and four am) feedings, to his first time laughing, to clapping for himself and playing hide and seek, it has been a growing year for all of us.

Sam now attempts to stand on his own (though it never lasts long) and absolutely loves walking while holding onto our hands. He tries very hard to climb up onto everything, and the things he can't get on top of by himself, he will try to get down from. My least favorite of these high places is the changing table. Though he usually tries to go down "feet first" like he's been taught, it's still too high, and usually at a very inconvenient time that he tries.

He loves eating! He's doing pretty well with trying new fruits but still doesn't like carrots. Go figure. He will eat his produce and oatmeal mixed together in his little squeezy bags, but his favorite food is probably cheddar cheese. He also loves the little muffins I made from the remnants of his smash cake batter. I may have to make another batch for him! He hasn't quite figured out how to used his teeth yet (of which there are now three!) but he does a pretty good job of mashing things with his tongue before he swallows them.

Samuel still loves to play peekaboo. Now, instead of just using a blanket, he will put his hands over his eyes to hide! He's so smart, and I am very proud. He also likes to play a hybrid between peekaboo and hide and seek. He will crawl away as quickly as he can and go into one of the bedroom where he will promptly shut the door and only open it when we wonder aloud, "where's Sam?" He then giggles mischievously and opens the door, but will shut it again if you get any closer. It's darling. He also likes it if we hide from him.

His favorite words to say are "dada" and "uh-huh," from which the rest of his vocabulary is made up, with different inflections. He understands quite a few words, though. He get's really excited when I say "all done!" after a meal and he get's to leave his high chair. He'll clasp his hands in the ASL sign for "amen" at the end of prayers, and he'll snuggle up or give great big slobbery kisses if I ask for hugs or kisses. He can also wave hello and goodbye, "tickle" (face plant) our tummies, and laughs at silly noises.

His favorite song right now is "the wise man and the foolish man" from our church. It's a kids song about a parable from the New Testament with great hand motions. This is how we keep him occupied during diaper changes and car seat buckling. His favorite book is still Moo, Baa, Lalala by Sandra Boynton, though he now appreciates almost any book. He loves turning the pages himself, and will sometimes sit by himself and babble as he "reads" books to himself. It is so darling!He likes to dance to music (and be applauded for it) and sometimes will try to sing along. I love that.

He is really good at going down for bed now. He has started wanting to go to sleep with a stuffed animal, which he will snuggle up with after we lay him down. He doesn't cry at bed time anymore and sleeps through the night most of the time. It's glorious! He has also gotten himself on a regular nap and sleep schedule. It's fantastic. He's always tired at the same time now, which makes planning my day so much easier!

My favorite thing is having him see me and have his face break into a grin and reach for me. This is even better when he rests his head on my shoulder and just snuggles for a brief moment. He often does this for his daddy, too, and it absolutely melts my heart.

I am so grateful for Samuel. He has taught me so much, and I am so glad that he came to our family. I love him, and I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving him to me!

These pictures were taken one year apart. Can you believe how much he's grown? 

How We've Built a Fight-Free Marriage

I've asked myself many times why my husband and I don't fight. (And honestly, we have never fought.) My answer used to be "because we love each other," but I know that some couples who love each other do fight. So what's the difference for us? I think it boils down to a quote by Gordon B Hinckley: "True love is not so much a matter of romance, but of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion." It's about putting your spouse's happiness and well being above your own.

Romance is exhilarating and wonderful--it's a key factor in falling in love--but that's not all that love is. That initial excitement can ebb and flow. It's hard to have that newlywed-giddiness for very long once life starts happening, but if your focus and concern is more for your spouse's well being, and less for your need to be wooed, then it's easy to love and serve them. You're less likely to say something offensive, or to take offense at something that your spouse might say if you're thinking of their happiness first.

Cameron and I have had disagreements, and we've had moments of hurt. There have been times when we have accidentally said or done things that upset the other, but we've always chosen to be kind and understanding in those moments. When we see that the other person is upset, we fight the natural inclination to get defensive and instead do what we can to comfort each other and find out what we did wrong and how we can do better in the future.

Common phrases in our day-to-day conversations are "How can I be a better husband/wife?" "What can I do for you?" and "How can I help you be happy today?" When the other person answers, we try hard to remember what they say and to do it. Putting our focus on the other person helps us to focus less on ourselves or our wants, and more on our spouse's needs.

If we have needs we make them known so that our spouse can help us fill them, but we try to do more for the other person. In doing this, we have pretty much eliminated any desire to fight or hurt each other emotionally.

This selfless love is what enables us to work through disagreements and misunderstandings peacefully and happily. Our marriage is not perfect--sometimes we make mistakes or get upset with each other; but because we value each other's happiness we let go of the little things and respectfully and carefully discuss things that shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing that helps us is prayer. We pray to be better spouses--to be understanding and loving and to be able to recognize each other's needs. We also pray for each other, both in our personal prayers and when we pray as a couple. Praying out loud for each other is very strengthening for our relationship. It is beneficial for the person speaking because as you thank God for the person you love, you think of all the reasons you do love them and your love is deepened. It also grows as you pray for God to help them with their problems and struggles. This helps you to feel compassion for them. Praying for your spouse at all will benefit them, but for them to hear your words of gratitude for them, and your pleas for help on their behalf can help them to see how much you love them, to realize that you listen and care about what they're going through, and can help soften their heart and love you even more.

Putting God first, and then our spouse's happiness and well being above our own is the best way that my husband and I have found for keeping our marriage happy and strong. Despite some hard life events, our love and marriage continue to grow stronger and deeper every day. I am so grateful for that!

Family Portraits

We took some family portraits earlier this year. We were pleasantly surprised at how well they turned out because we just put our camera up on a tripod and used the timer and took 5 shots at a time. It worked really well, for the most part.

While we were getting the settings right on the camera Sam just wanted to eat the leaves. I had to rescue quite a few.

But once we started taking pictures he was a great sport!

During the pictures of just Cameron and I, Samuel sat in his stroller nearby so happily.

We took him to the playground afterwards and I rode down the slide with him and we continued to take some pictures while he played. He liked those a lot more than the posed ones.

Park City Picnic

One day last October we decided we needed a vacation, so we took the morning and drove up to Park City for a picnic. The weather was beautiful, the fall colors were amazing. It's such a beautiful place!

Sam loved it! He had so much fun crawling on the grass and exploring the trails via his stroller.

He especially liked their little pond and stream and wanted to play in it.

and I got this precious picture of Sam and his Daddy together.

(Be very impressed. It took me forever to get the exposure etc right on this one. Cameron's the better photographer of the two of us.)

We had such a lovely time having a family outing and a half-day vacation. We're so blessed to live so close to such beautiful places like this!

Eleven Things About my Eleven-Month-Old!

It's been so long since I've posted. I tried to take a break from the computer over Christmas break and it was fabulous! And before that was final exams, plus a sick baby, plus getting ready to travel, so.... yeah.

Anyways, happy new year! My baby is eleven.months.old. As in, almost one year! How did this happen? So, to celebrate, here are 11 things about Samuel:

1. Sam loves his new high chair! It makes feeding him solids so much easier and a lot less stressful, so I've been doing better about making sure that he's getting the nutrients he needs. Yesterday he actually asked to get in it! (asked being a strong term. More like "avidly reached for it until I buckled him in and gave him some cheerios.") His favorite solid foods that he's tried are probably scrambled eggs and spaghetti. He likes the taste of bananas but struggles to pick them up on his own so they make him a little frustrated.
2. He is getting very good at stairs! We don't have any in our apartment, but he will crawl up any stairs he sees! This is a trick he learned over Christmas break and it's so cute to see how excited he gets about being able to navigate them himself.
3. He's responding more and more to what we say! It's so nice to know that he understands what we're saying. He can now give hugs and kisses (the wonderfully slobbery kind!), plays peekaboo, responds to "hands up," and knows if we say "feet first!" he needs to turn around and not try to dive headlong off of the couch or stairs.
4. Samuel loves positive reenforcement. If he's doing something that he thinks is difficult or cool, he'll look at other people for acknowledgment. Sometimes he'll even start clapping for himself if he wants applause. He does this most often when he is pushing his new walker or drinking from a straw. It is so sweet!
5. He dances! He never did it until I showed him a video of his sweet friend Lucy bobbing up and down to music. He looked at her like he was confused, but by the end of the video he had started swinging his arms from side to side. Now he'll often do that or sway side to side when we have music on, or kneel down and bounce.
6. He's a Tigger, like his daddy :) he always wants a horsey ride, or to jump on the couch, or in his bouncer, or in your arms, or anywhere really. He uses his carseat like a rocking horse when it's inside. He'll also sit up against a wall or the couch and bounce horizontally against it like I did when I was little. Isn't that funny? I don't think we purposefully taught him those things, or showed him how to do them. He just loves bouncing!
7. He says "Da!" a lot, followed by "na," "ha," and "ma." Because he says it infrequently, it makes it all the more special when he says "mama" and he usually does it in a somewhat appropriate context, which makes me so happy!
8. His silly teeth still won't come out! The two front ones on the bottom are so close that you can practically see them through his gums, and they're pushing up pretty far, but they just won't break through! I think it's getting pretty uncomfortable because Sam has been a lot more irritable and tired over the last few days than normal.
9. He loves climbing! He'll climb over or under the bars that attach the legs of our chairs together, tries to get up onto the couch, explores the underside of our coffee table, and even tries to find ways to use multiple objects as a staircase. A few days ago when I was doing some dishes I turned around and he had climbed from his carseat, to a chair, and was trying to get up onto the desk! That little guy is too smart for his own good, but I'm so proud!
10. One of his newest favorite "toys" are doors. He likes to go into my bedroom and push the door almost shut and then open it again over, and over, and over. He'll sometimes use the door to play peekaboo. He's so sweet! 
11. He also loves baths and showers. Both of his grandma's have very large sinks so he loved taking baths in them over the holidays. We're thinking of doing a bubble bath themed birthday party for him! :)

I am so grateful for my sweet little boy, and for the way that he brings so much joy to our lives! It is hard and tiring being a mom and doing school at the same time, but it is also so rewarding! I am also so grateful for Cameron who helps so much with Sam and the house as well as working and doing school full time. He is my hero, and I am so in love with him!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts, encouragement, and help. We love and appreciate you so much!

Remembering Lila

Today marks one year since our grandmother Lila passed away. I miss her so much. She was so full of spunk and life and joy. When I met her she was very sick, but she never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to serve others and never complained about how awful she was feeling. The first day that I met her we bonded immediately. It was like finding a long-lost sister. We were so comfortable with each other and could talk about anything.

It breaks my heart sometimes that she left before Sam was born, that he'll never know her in this life, but I feel sure that she was with him before he was born. I like to imagine that she held Sam and his cousins that have passed away all in her arms, singing to and teaching them. I've felt her close many times, and oh, how I miss her. She was such a wonderful example of selflessness and love and I will be forever grateful that I got to know her and be her friend.

I know that those we love are never far away. I am so grateful for the atonement and for the gospel. I'm grateful for the promise that those who pass away are not gone forever. I'm grateful that through the ordinances in temples we can be with our families forever. What a joyful message that is! I'm thankful for my Savior. for making all of this possible, for loving me and all of us enough to do all he had to to make this a reality.

I miss you, Grandma! Thank you for watching over our family.

Halloween in California

Halloween weekend we had the great blessing of going to visit family in California! My mom and dad both grew up in the Bay Area, and all of my mom's family lives there now. We flew out early Thursday morning (having spent the night with Cameron's wonderful aunt Lisa since she is much closer to the airport than we are.) Sam fell right back to sleep on the airplane and didn't wake up until we landed! He's so great :)

We flew with Alaska airlines and they were fantastic! This was our first time flying with them, but if you need to fly with a baby, go with Alaska airlines! You don't need to wait in line with a copy of the birth certificate to get your baby on your boarding pass, they'll check strollers and carseats for free, (if you drop a toy at the baggage check area they might even chase you down after security to give it back to you!). Our first flight was pretty empty so they re-arranged the seating so that we didn't have anyone around us so it wouldn't matter if Sam was wiggly, and they let us board early with him. A flight attendant even came and brought us one of those old fashioned wing pins for Sam.

When we arrived my Aunt Dana and one of her boys came to pick us up and we went to their house in San Jose. We visited with them for a while before the boys went to school and then we drove to my grandmother's home in Portola Valley. It was so strange being in her home where I had spent so much time as a young child but also being a mother and taking care of Samuel. Definitely a new experience. My uncle came down for lunch with us and then we had the rest of the day to relax, then both my aunts and Dana's husband and boys came over for dinner. (My grandmother is an amazing cook! Everything we ate that week was so delicious.)

On Halloween we spent the morning with Grandma and my auntie Andy and got our costumes ready. Grandma's sewing machine wasn't running so I couldn't finish Cameron's costume, but thankfully grandma has an extensive costume collection and we managed to find him something that worked well. In the afternoon we were wanting to go see some sights around town so we drove down to Stanford and saw some other cool things but it was drizzly and cool so we didn't get out and walk around much. We still had quite a bit of time before Dana's boys got home from school so we decided to go walk around Ikea. We love Ikea. There are so many fun ideas for how to make a small space functional. Sam was awake and happy the whole time. He giggled when we spun the cart around and waved at strangers and he absolutely loved the part of the store that was lined with mirrors.

Playing at Ikea

As the case usually is when we go to Ikea, we spent more time than we meant to, but we got to Dana and Scotts house before the trick-or-treaters started coming and had dinner with them before going out with the boys. Sam was getting sleepy so we didn't walk around for very long. We came back to the house, helped hand out pencils, and read silly baby books by the fireplace.

Snow White, Dopey, and Prince Charming

Dopey with his cousins Harry Potter and Emmet (from the Lego movie)

On Saturday we relaxed in the morning, did some laundry, at more delicious food, then went to my Grandpa's house. We had a great time eating yummy food and playing with Sam. My step-great-grandma was there and she got some darling little pajamas for Samuel, which was such a blessing because just moments after we got there his diaper decided not to do its job and he needed a change of clothes, which we had neglected to bring for him. That night Dana's family spent the night at grandma's with us and we ate some more delicious food and played dominoes until bed time.

Sunday morning we had a great breakfast and got packed up. We went to church with Cameron's Uncle Richard and aunt Jenny and their four darling children. It happened to be the same ward that I was in as a little girl! There was a redwood tree in the front of the building that I remember trying to put my arms around when I was a little girl. My arms are still too small ;)

The Redwood Tree

We had a lovely time, then went to go get our bags and say goodbye to Grandma Judy and Grandpa Don, and took the car back to Dana who was so kind to let us borrow it while we were there. We had dinner with them and then Scott drove us to the airport. Lisa picked us up in Salt Lake (where it was very cold) and we spent the night with her again.

Sam didn't sleep much on the plane ride home, but he enjoyed every minute of it!

We are so grateful to all of our family for being so accommodating and welcoming when we came to visit. We love you all so much!

Ramblings on Education and Motherhood.

Today I am grateful for my baby. I love him so much! Since he has started eating more solid food and sleeping better at night he seems happier and happier all the time. There are still rough moments, but his personality is blossoming and it is beautiful to see.

Recently Cameron and I have felt that we need to explore other options for grad school. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time because I will most likely have to do many years of taking classes through independent study to finish my degree if we leave. I started looking at options for graduating and for a brief moment I saw a glimpse of myself and my dear husband standing together in our graduation robes, holding our sweet little boy and walking across that stage together. It would be so wonderful, but unless they somehow decide that being a mom erases the need for completing a major, it's just not going to happen. It's hard to give up that dream. I may not ever dress in blue robes and a silly cap and shake the university presidents hand, because I will probably be graduating from somewhere far away, a long time down the road. It's really hard to just close that door but this is what I chose.

I felt strongly that having Sam when we did was what the Lord wanted for us. I still feel that way. I feel that taking a light load of classes so that most of my time can be spent in being a mother is the right thing for me. I have no regrets. I wish I could get a degree just for having a baby, but it doesn't work that way, and I know that I have chosen the best path for me. This is what the Lord has asked me to do and I will finish it.

My family comes first and foremost. I would not trade Samuel or my time with him for anything! I am so grateful for the joy and love that he brings to my life. Whenever I am tired or stressed his loving smiles and infectious giggles and his incessant babbling of "mamamamama" make everything wonderful! I love him so much and want to be my best for him. 

Random Update on Our Life

I haven't written in forever. School has been very busy, being a mom has been busy, realizing that plans for six months from now will probably change drastically (No, we're not pregnant)
so, blogging falls by the wayside.

But life has been full of so many blessings!

Samuel continues to grow. He hasn't gained much weight recently, my milk supply has probably gone down since he has to take a bottle most days that I'm at school, but we caught it early and the doctor is helping us get a routine set up to help him get the food he needs.

I got an A on my first ASL test! Which is awesome, 'cause last semester was not quite so good. I'm also loving my English class. I LOVE the way my teacher sets everything up and forces us to work on our essays slowly by having us turn them in piece by piece, focussing on different aspects every time! It's helping my writing so much.

I have also submitted a piece to a magazine! I think I'd like to do more of that! I don't know yet if it will be published or not, but I've decided that I'd like to try to write more, and if I can get published that would be fantastic! I'm also currently working on two children's books. An illustrating major just moved into our ward, so I may have to ask if she'd like to collaborate.

Cameron is thinking of other options for grad school (we were originally planning to stay here) so that potentially puts me in a tough spot for graduating. Still totally doable, I'd just have to do online classes if we left Provo. But we're praying and counseling together and I'm sure we'll find the best solution. (I just hope it's soon so we can plan for the future!)

General conference was AWESOME. My dad was able to come out early for a business trip and spend sunday conference with us, and Cameron's mom and little sister came up for Saturday conference. It was so wonderful to see them! I also made my mom's oh-so-delicious cinnamon rolls and they were awesome! (I'll probably share the recipe on here sometime because it is SO good!)
and, of course, I absolutely loved the messages that were shared! I especially loved all the messages about being kind and courteous to others, regardless of whether we have different beliefs. I know I struggled with that a little when I was younger, and it can still be hard to respond with kindness when people are cruel or hurtful to me or others, but I have a testimony that God wants us to love each other and treat each other well. I hope that I can continue to try to become more christ-like, especially as I go back and listen to the talks from conference over again.

Sam's sleep training is going really well! (Except last night he woke up several times, but I think that he is legitimately teething this time, so we'll let it slide and hope it doesn't become the norm.) He felt so bad for keeping me up all night last night that he let me take an almost-three-hour nap with him today! It was much needed.

Thanks for letting me just blurt out random pieces of news. I am loving life! I am loving a more structured schedule for Sam, and I love the Lord!
Happy October!

(here's a sneak peak of some pictures my dad took of us over the weekend!)

Seven Months Old

This month has gone by much too quickly. My sweet, sweet Samuel is growing too fast! I really can't stand it. He is now scooting all over the apartment at top speed, still mostly army crawling. The day he turned seven months he succeeded in pulling himself into a standing position without any help form Cameron or me! Now he can shuffle sideways in a standing position and gets super excited about it!

He loves to laugh. At least once a week he finds something new that makes him so happy that he has to giggle. Some new discoveries include turning a light switch on and off, the "rawr" sound mommy makes when we're playing with his lion rattle, burying his face in the soft back cushions of our new couches, flicking rain drops off of leaves.

He's done remarkably well dealing with coming to school twice a day with me, though I've discovered that I need to get a rainproof cover for the stroller. We're swapping babysitting with two other couples and Samuel loves his little friends (both just a few months older than him!) He's become much more vocal since meeting his friend K. and even though L. doesn't talk back to him much he loves to blabber to both of them. His favorite words these days are "blah" and "hi" (though I don't think he knows what they mean. He is starting to respond to his name though! That's super exciting :)

Today we started sleep training, and it is not going nearly as smoothly as all the other blogger mommies make it sound. I'm praying it starts going more smoothly soon. We're not even doing the cry-it-out method, but its still been a pretty teary experience for him, but he's asleep now! I think he's finally figuring out that I'll come back in when he's not crying and that its ok to fall asleep without eating at the same time. Here's hoping he magically sleeps through the night! And that he get's to nap tomorrow.

He is such a little angel and I am so grateful that he came to our home. I am so grateful to be his mommy, to see his sweet smiles every day, to be able to make him happy, and to be able to take care of him! It is such a blessing, and I am so grateful! 

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred II

I know that a lot of people will disagree with me about this post, but I feel that it is very important that I share it.  Just because I am saying that I think you're wrong, that does not mean that I don't love and respect you, so please be kind and respect my freedom of speech as I respect yours.

Things that are sacred should not be taken lightly. Marriage is sacred, as is your relationship with your spouse and their trust. Sexual intimacy is sacred and should not be treated casually or shared outside of marriage.

Abstinence before marriage is a legitimate option. My husband and I are both so grateful that we chose not to share that part of ourselves with anyone else or even with each other until we were married. It has brought us so much closer, and enabled us to see sex as the God-given gift that it is and use it purely as an expression of love. I'm so grateful that I never have to try not to think of anyone else when I'm with my husband.

Once you're married, that doesn't necessarily mean that anything goes. You still need to respect the sanctity of intimacy, and you still need to be faithful to your spouse. Decide with your spouse and the Lord what is righteous, and what you are comfortable with. Don't push your spouse to do things that they are uncomfortable with, even if you don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Fidelity to your spouse obviously excludes having sex with anyone else, but there are other ways of being unfaithful. The Lord said "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). (Women, this scripture applies to you as well.) Sometimes bad thoughts will come into your mind. Sometimes images or words or music that are offensive are put in front of you and it's not your fault. What is your fault is when you continue to entertain those thoughts, or keep looking or listening. When you do something with the intent to have sexual thoughts or feelings about another person besides your spouse, this is a sin.

Pornography is not a righteous thing. It is a form of infidelity, it is harmful not only to yourself, but to your marriage, your family, and it damages your view of sexuality, changing it from something Godly to something base, dirty, and sinful. Whether it's videos, pictures, books, music, you-name-it, if it causes you to think of someone other than your spouse in a sexual way, stop it. It doesn't matter the rating, the medium, or who recommended it to you. If your mind starts wandering places you shouldn't go, get away from it. Run like Joseph did from Potiphar's wife. Run and don't look back.

Porn not only ruins your view of sexuality, but of love, people, and bodies. Sex is not love. It can and aught to be a way of expressing  love, but lust is not the same as love. Pornography damages your ability to see the difference and recognize pure, godly love. Porn objectifies men and women, and their bodies, turning them into objects meant solely for gratification. We not only see this in explicit pornography, but in advertising everywhere. We need to see people first and foremost as children of our Heavenly Father, not bodies to be stared at.

Don't allow yourself to become too emotionally attached to anyone other than your spouse. Guard your emotions. Even if the feelings you have for someone else aren't sexual, they can still be unfaithful in nature. It can harm your relationship with your spouse. Remember to love your spouse more than anyone. "Cleave unto her [or him] and none else" (Gen 2; D&C 42:22.)

If you already have a problem with infidelity or pornography or anything else I've talked about, it's not too late to change. Because of the Savior's atonement you can start over, multiple times a day if you have to. He loves you, he will forgive you, and he can help you to rebuild your life. If you find that you have an addiction to pornography or anything else and can't kick the habit on your own, seek help. It's ok. There are lots of fantastic resources to help you overcome it. Talk to your church leaders, find addiction recovery groups in your community, ask your family members and friends for help and support. You can do it.

Marriage and family are central to God's plan for our salvation and happiness. Sex is also a part of that plan--not just for bringing children into the world, but for our enjoyment and for expressing love to our spouse. Because it is so sacred, we must treat it that way. The Lord loves us. We can do hard things, we can obey his commandments, and we can love and respect our spouses (current or future.)

If you're interested, here are some great talks on the same topics I covered.
Protection from Pornography--a Christ Centered Home
Personal Purity
Sanctify Yourselves: This talk was given specifically to an audience of men but it applies to everyone
Nurturing Marriage
LDS Addiction Recovery

Feeling Grateful Today

Being a mom is really time consuming, and mind consuming, and all consuming. I hardly think about anything else, ever (which is why I really ought to be reviewing ASL right now instead of writing this, but it's nice to do something just for fun.)

I love my life. Goodness, I get tired sometimes, like all-the-times, but it is so wonderful! I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven who strengthens me. There are many moments, like yesterday morning, when I am too tired to even think about moving but I say a little prayer and He helps me to keep pushing on without falling over or dropping my baby, and then blesses me with a nap!

I'm also so grateful for my husband who is so supportive and helpful. Even though he has a sprained ankle and a cold and is taking the GRE this weekend he still takes the time to help me and just sit and talk and make me feel loved!

I am also so grateful for my little angel baby. He is so wonderful. Yesterday was tough, I think he might be catching whatever I have, but his little smiles and giggles make me so happy. No matter what burdens I am carrying, his smile lightens them instantly. Motherhood is amazing. I can't even begin to describe how much I have grown, especially emotionally. I've always had a pretty low threshold for stress and sleep deprivation (anyone who knew me in high school can tell you I got sick all the time) but I have been strengthened in my mind and body. I've learned how to keep pushing, to just take one more step, and then another, and another, until I'm running full speed again. It truly is a miracle.

I'm so grateful for all my friends and family, for their love and support, and for the joy it gives me to know that I am not alone.

I'm grateful for baby bouncers and bagels with strawberry cream cheese.

I'm grateful for baby giggles and kind strangers and windows that open.

I'm grateful for sunshine, I'm grateful for rain, I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in that I used to think was a barren desert. I'm grateful that my mind can change!

I'm grateful for my tiny apartment that has a full sized stove, oven, and refrigerator. I'm grateful for the concrete floors covered in cheap linoleum and million year old carpet that don't creak when I'm putting my baby down to sleep.

I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for my family members that I have known who have passed away. I'm grateful for their examples, and for the love I still feel from them.

I'm grateful for my faith: for my knowledge of a life after this where we can have a second chance and can be with our families again. I'm grateful for a merciful God who loves me, and all of us, more than anything!

I am grateful that happiness is a choice!

Four Months

(sorry it's blurry, he wouldn't hold still but I had to get a shot of the "wreckage." He'd somehow dismantled his little playyard thing while I was in the bathroom and turned himself in a circle)

Yesterday Sam turned 4 months old! A lot has happened in the past month. For one, Sam has grown a lot. We don't go to the doctor until next week but from our measurements he's grown 5 or 6 inches since he was born and has more than doubled his birth weight.

In mid-May he had his first little giggle! He did it for my mom while Cameron and I were at the store, but thankfully she managed to get a video of it. It took a little while to get him to do it again, but now he laughs almost every day! He is the happiest little baby.

He started sleeping a lot better at night, and then he started teething and that stopped. We had a few hard days where he was crying a lot and wasn't eating enough, but thankfully with a lot of prayers and the miracle of baby tylenol and Orajel we got him eating again. He seems to be doing much better, though he is sometimes fussy and likes to bite things (like my finger) really hard.

Last week Sam rolled over for the first time! Every day since then he has rolled over at least once. It's getting even harder to give him tummy time since he can get off of his tummy more easily now, but every once in a while he'll roll himself onto his tummy at night and start crying because he can't roll back.

He's starting to interact with his toys more now, which is adorable. He has two favorites: his Teddy Bear and a giraffe. I've come up with unique voices for them and when he hears his bear (which is an overly enthusiastic, yet Eustace Scrub sounding kind of voice) he get's SO excited. He loves to hold onto that bear and give him kisses (slobber on its face) and smile and laugh at it. His giraffe doesn't talk quite so often but it comes almost everywhere with us. Apparently it's ears are very tasty (or Sam likes the way they crinkle) because they get chewed on a lot.

Sam still loves having his diaper changed. In fact, the only thing that will make him smile bigger or laugh more than a new diaper is "jumping." If we hold him in a standing position on our laps he'll start to bounce his legs and then we'll toss him up in the air as if he jumped all that way. He loves it. And let me tell you, it's a workout. My shoulders and biceps are getting a lot stronger from playing that game all the time.

His next big step will be learning to sit. He already pulls himself up if he's holding onto our fingers, and if we help him up he can balance for a few seconds, but it will be exciting when he can do it all on his own!

An Open Letter to my Mother

Less than three months ago I became a mother: a lifelong dream of mine. Even as a little girl I wanted to be like you, Mom. I didn't understand all you did for me, how blessed (and a little bit spoiled) I was. All I knew was that I loved you and you loved me. Your world seemed to revolve around me and that's just the way life worked. I never even thought to worry that there might be some time that you wouldn't be able to take care of me.

You showed me compassion when you had me choose some of my toys and clothes to take to children with less than me, even when we were struggling financially. You never let me know how hard it was for you and Dad to make ends meet for those few hard years. You never allowed me to carry that burden, or worry about what was coming. I had complete faith in you to make everything turn out all right.

I remember when I was four and a balloon animal that was given to me popped. I was sad until Daddy told me, "give it to Mommy, she can fix anything." I quickly learned that a popped balloon animal could not be fixed, but far from diminishing my trust in you, I learned from Dad that I could trust you with anything.

When I wanted a fabulous Halloween costume you never failed to deliver something beautiful and extraordinary. What's more, you never complained about my high expectations or the long hours spent at the sewing machine after we had all gone to bed, even when you had a young baby to take care of in the middle of the night. I thought grownups just didn't need as much sleep, and that you always stayed up late, that you liked sewing for me more than resting. Now that I have my own baby, I know what a sacrifice it must have been for you.

You listened to everything I went through, starting with the little things (ladybugs that refused to be caught, my caterpillar that wouldn't turn into a butterfly) to the huge amounts of angst I suffered in high school as I fussed over boys and bullies. You never diminished my suffering or told me to get over it. You always held me as I cried, even if moments before I had been yelling at you, or when I had totally brought my pain on myself.

You always told me that I was beautiful, that I didn't need makeup to be pretty, but you also taught me how to do my makeup and hair so that I didn't look like a clown when I tried to do it myself. Even more importantly, you taught me how to take care of my body. You always made sure that I had a "sport" to participate in and vegetables with dinner. You taught me to brush my teeth and wash my face.

You taught me patience. How did you keep your cool with five crazy kids and an oldest daughter that always needed your full attention? You taught me to love unconditionally. You showed me how to serve others, how to be kind, and how to balance my life. You helped me by not hiding your mistakes, but using them to teach me so that I wouldn't have to make the same ones to learn the lessons that would help me be a better person.

You always had faith in me. You never told me there was something I couldn't accomplish. You helped a tone-deaf, monotone little girl work her way up into a collegiate audition choir. You helped a girl who was too clumsy to skip for years to win dance competitions.

You supported me and helped me to look for my husband with spiritual eyes. When I told you in July that I wanted to be married at Thanksgiving you jumped right in with me to make the wedding happen. You were there with me on that special day, helping to make everything perfect, and you graciously passed the baton of best friend and helper to my husband.

You've laughed with me, cried with me, and never gave up on me.

And on the day you were called at four in the morning and told your grandson was coming early, you jumped on a plane and made it in time to share the most special moment of my life so far. You stayed for two weeks and mothered me again as I tried to learn to be a mother myself while recovering from the most physically traumatic thing I've been through so far.

You are an angel from Heaven. Your love, patience, and selflessness are truly divine. I thank our loving Father that he gave me to such an amazing mother to teach me how to live, and I hope that I can be as wonderful of a mommy as you are. I love you, I am so grateful for you, and twenty-almost-two years later I still want to be like you. Thank you, Mom, for everything.