Graduation and Moving On

It's been forever since I've posted. I've been so busy with moving plans, finishing last semester, getting sick multiple times, yeah it's been pretty crazy. But also crazy awesome! Cameron Graduated from BYU! I'm so very proud of him. I have to admit it was really hard for me to be sitting in the audience during graduation and not next to my wonderful husband, wearing the cap and gown. I almost lost it a few times when well meaning friends and relatives kept bringing up that I wasn't done yet. I wanted to walk across that stage. I wanted to feel like all of the sacrifices I've made for my education and family were worth while. I wanted so badly to be done with this phase of trying to live two lives--stay at home mom and student. It's hard. It wasn't what I had planned.

But I got through it, and I'm trying hard to accept the plans the Lord has for me. I read a great quote today by Bonnie L. Oscarson: "If it is the Lord's plan, it should be our plan, too!" I have been selfish and thinking about me and what I've wanted and "why don't my plans ever work out?" But if I turn to the Lord and make his plans what I'm most concerned about then I will be a lot happier, because his plans are the ones that happen!

In my ideal world I would be graduated now and I'd be moving on to a time of life without homework instead of taking spring classes to try and finish as much as I can before we move in the fall, but I know that God is in control. I know that he gives me trials so that I can grow, and I need to be more grateful for what I do have. When we have hard times in our lives, we need to decide if we are going to become bitter or better. Lately I've been bitter, but now I want to be better!

I choose to look at my circumstances with gratitude! I choose to be happy, even when circumstances are not what I want them to be! I choose to be my best self.

I am so grateful for my family! I am grateful for my husband and all the sacrifices that he makes for Sam and me. I am grateful for Sam and would never ever exchange him for a college degree. I love him with all my heart and know that starting our family when we did was the right thing to do for us! It may not be easy, but it is absolutely glorious!

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for his love and support. I am so grateful for how patient he is with my constant shortcomings. I love him and hope I can keep trying to become more like him!

How We've Built a Fight-Free Marriage

I've asked myself many times why my husband and I don't fight. (And honestly, we have never fought.) My answer used to be "because we love each other," but I know that some couples who love each other do fight. So what's the difference for us? I think it boils down to a quote by Gordon B Hinckley: "True love is not so much a matter of romance, but of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion." It's about putting your spouse's happiness and well being above your own.

Romance is exhilarating and wonderful--it's a key factor in falling in love--but that's not all that love is. That initial excitement can ebb and flow. It's hard to have that newlywed-giddiness for very long once life starts happening, but if your focus and concern is more for your spouse's well being, and less for your need to be wooed, then it's easy to love and serve them. You're less likely to say something offensive, or to take offense at something that your spouse might say if you're thinking of their happiness first.

Cameron and I have had disagreements, and we've had moments of hurt. There have been times when we have accidentally said or done things that upset the other, but we've always chosen to be kind and understanding in those moments. When we see that the other person is upset, we fight the natural inclination to get defensive and instead do what we can to comfort each other and find out what we did wrong and how we can do better in the future.

Common phrases in our day-to-day conversations are "How can I be a better husband/wife?" "What can I do for you?" and "How can I help you be happy today?" When the other person answers, we try hard to remember what they say and to do it. Putting our focus on the other person helps us to focus less on ourselves or our wants, and more on our spouse's needs.

If we have needs we make them known so that our spouse can help us fill them, but we try to do more for the other person. In doing this, we have pretty much eliminated any desire to fight or hurt each other emotionally.

This selfless love is what enables us to work through disagreements and misunderstandings peacefully and happily. Our marriage is not perfect--sometimes we make mistakes or get upset with each other; but because we value each other's happiness we let go of the little things and respectfully and carefully discuss things that shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing that helps us is prayer. We pray to be better spouses--to be understanding and loving and to be able to recognize each other's needs. We also pray for each other, both in our personal prayers and when we pray as a couple. Praying out loud for each other is very strengthening for our relationship. It is beneficial for the person speaking because as you thank God for the person you love, you think of all the reasons you do love them and your love is deepened. It also grows as you pray for God to help them with their problems and struggles. This helps you to feel compassion for them. Praying for your spouse at all will benefit them, but for them to hear your words of gratitude for them, and your pleas for help on their behalf can help them to see how much you love them, to realize that you listen and care about what they're going through, and can help soften their heart and love you even more.

Putting God first, and then our spouse's happiness and well being above our own is the best way that my husband and I have found for keeping our marriage happy and strong. Despite some hard life events, our love and marriage continue to grow stronger and deeper every day. I am so grateful for that!

Park City Picnic

One day last October we decided we needed a vacation, so we took the morning and drove up to Park City for a picnic. The weather was beautiful, the fall colors were amazing. It's such a beautiful place!

Sam loved it! He had so much fun crawling on the grass and exploring the trails via his stroller.

He especially liked their little pond and stream and wanted to play in it.

and I got this precious picture of Sam and his Daddy together.

(Be very impressed. It took me forever to get the exposure etc right on this one. Cameron's the better photographer of the two of us.)

We had such a lovely time having a family outing and a half-day vacation. We're so blessed to live so close to such beautiful places like this!

Eleven Things About my Eleven-Month-Old!

It's been so long since I've posted. I tried to take a break from the computer over Christmas break and it was fabulous! And before that was final exams, plus a sick baby, plus getting ready to travel, so.... yeah.

Anyways, happy new year! My baby is eleven.months.old. As in, almost one year! How did this happen? So, to celebrate, here are 11 things about Samuel:

1. Sam loves his new high chair! It makes feeding him solids so much easier and a lot less stressful, so I've been doing better about making sure that he's getting the nutrients he needs. Yesterday he actually asked to get in it! (asked being a strong term. More like "avidly reached for it until I buckled him in and gave him some cheerios.") His favorite solid foods that he's tried are probably scrambled eggs and spaghetti. He likes the taste of bananas but struggles to pick them up on his own so they make him a little frustrated.
2. He is getting very good at stairs! We don't have any in our apartment, but he will crawl up any stairs he sees! This is a trick he learned over Christmas break and it's so cute to see how excited he gets about being able to navigate them himself.
3. He's responding more and more to what we say! It's so nice to know that he understands what we're saying. He can now give hugs and kisses (the wonderfully slobbery kind!), plays peekaboo, responds to "hands up," and knows if we say "feet first!" he needs to turn around and not try to dive headlong off of the couch or stairs.
4. Samuel loves positive reenforcement. If he's doing something that he thinks is difficult or cool, he'll look at other people for acknowledgment. Sometimes he'll even start clapping for himself if he wants applause. He does this most often when he is pushing his new walker or drinking from a straw. It is so sweet!
5. He dances! He never did it until I showed him a video of his sweet friend Lucy bobbing up and down to music. He looked at her like he was confused, but by the end of the video he had started swinging his arms from side to side. Now he'll often do that or sway side to side when we have music on, or kneel down and bounce.
6. He's a Tigger, like his daddy :) he always wants a horsey ride, or to jump on the couch, or in his bouncer, or in your arms, or anywhere really. He uses his carseat like a rocking horse when it's inside. He'll also sit up against a wall or the couch and bounce horizontally against it like I did when I was little. Isn't that funny? I don't think we purposefully taught him those things, or showed him how to do them. He just loves bouncing!
7. He says "Da!" a lot, followed by "na," "ha," and "ma." Because he says it infrequently, it makes it all the more special when he says "mama" and he usually does it in a somewhat appropriate context, which makes me so happy!
8. His silly teeth still won't come out! The two front ones on the bottom are so close that you can practically see them through his gums, and they're pushing up pretty far, but they just won't break through! I think it's getting pretty uncomfortable because Sam has been a lot more irritable and tired over the last few days than normal.
9. He loves climbing! He'll climb over or under the bars that attach the legs of our chairs together, tries to get up onto the couch, explores the underside of our coffee table, and even tries to find ways to use multiple objects as a staircase. A few days ago when I was doing some dishes I turned around and he had climbed from his carseat, to a chair, and was trying to get up onto the desk! That little guy is too smart for his own good, but I'm so proud!
10. One of his newest favorite "toys" are doors. He likes to go into my bedroom and push the door almost shut and then open it again over, and over, and over. He'll sometimes use the door to play peekaboo. He's so sweet! 
11. He also loves baths and showers. Both of his grandma's have very large sinks so he loved taking baths in them over the holidays. We're thinking of doing a bubble bath themed birthday party for him! :)

I am so grateful for my sweet little boy, and for the way that he brings so much joy to our lives! It is hard and tiring being a mom and doing school at the same time, but it is also so rewarding! I am also so grateful for Cameron who helps so much with Sam and the house as well as working and doing school full time. He is my hero, and I am so in love with him!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts, encouragement, and help. We love and appreciate you so much!

Remembering Lila

Today marks one year since our grandmother Lila passed away. I miss her so much. She was so full of spunk and life and joy. When I met her she was very sick, but she never let it get her down. She was always looking for ways to serve others and never complained about how awful she was feeling. The first day that I met her we bonded immediately. It was like finding a long-lost sister. We were so comfortable with each other and could talk about anything.

It breaks my heart sometimes that she left before Sam was born, that he'll never know her in this life, but I feel sure that she was with him before he was born. I like to imagine that she held Sam and his cousins that have passed away all in her arms, singing to and teaching them. I've felt her close many times, and oh, how I miss her. She was such a wonderful example of selflessness and love and I will be forever grateful that I got to know her and be her friend.

I know that those we love are never far away. I am so grateful for the atonement and for the gospel. I'm grateful for the promise that those who pass away are not gone forever. I'm grateful that through the ordinances in temples we can be with our families forever. What a joyful message that is! I'm thankful for my Savior. for making all of this possible, for loving me and all of us enough to do all he had to to make this a reality.

I miss you, Grandma! Thank you for watching over our family.

Nine Months!

This month has had fewer milestones for Samuel, he's mostly just getting much better at the tricks he's learned previously. He continues to be as cute as ever and make us smile! It's crazy to think that he's been out of my belly as long as he was inside. It's definitely gone much faster than pregnancy did.

One exciting thing that he is on the verge of figuring out is kissing! I'll kiss him and say "kisses!" and then he will open his mouth wide and suck on my cheek or chin for a moment. It is so sweet. I can't wait until he learns how to blow kisses (he's almost there.)

He's teething (for real this time! I promise!) and we can start to see his bottom front teeth under his gums. The doctor says they should break through any day. Sam also caught Roseola (a baby virus) earlier this month, which was no fun for him, but we're so glad that he's feeling better now! Even while being sick and teething Sam is full of giggles and smiles and it helps us to get through the harder days.

He's very patient with my increased homework load recently and enjoys playing in his bouncer. He's also bonded a lot with his daddy and they are closer than ever! It could have something to do with the fact that Sam is less and less interested in nursing, so he takes more bottles, which Cameron can feed him. But whatever the reason, it is so great to see them smiling and playing together. I love my boys.

In this cold weather Sam has reiterated to us that he dislikes being bundled up, but he's just going to have to deal with it because it has been pretty chilly! Grandma Suzy sent him a very nice snow suit that keeps him nice and cozy when we have to walk around on campus, which unfortunately for Sam, is multiple times a week.

I am so grateful for my little angel boy and his beautiful smile. He is a constant reminder of the love our God has for us. I'm so grateful for that. I will post pictures soon!

Ramblings on Education and Motherhood.

Today I am grateful for my baby. I love him so much! Since he has started eating more solid food and sleeping better at night he seems happier and happier all the time. There are still rough moments, but his personality is blossoming and it is beautiful to see.

Recently Cameron and I have felt that we need to explore other options for grad school. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time because I will most likely have to do many years of taking classes through independent study to finish my degree if we leave. I started looking at options for graduating and for a brief moment I saw a glimpse of myself and my dear husband standing together in our graduation robes, holding our sweet little boy and walking across that stage together. It would be so wonderful, but unless they somehow decide that being a mom erases the need for completing a major, it's just not going to happen. It's hard to give up that dream. I may not ever dress in blue robes and a silly cap and shake the university presidents hand, because I will probably be graduating from somewhere far away, a long time down the road. It's really hard to just close that door but this is what I chose.

I felt strongly that having Sam when we did was what the Lord wanted for us. I still feel that way. I feel that taking a light load of classes so that most of my time can be spent in being a mother is the right thing for me. I have no regrets. I wish I could get a degree just for having a baby, but it doesn't work that way, and I know that I have chosen the best path for me. This is what the Lord has asked me to do and I will finish it.

My family comes first and foremost. I would not trade Samuel or my time with him for anything! I am so grateful for the joy and love that he brings to my life. Whenever I am tired or stressed his loving smiles and infectious giggles and his incessant babbling of "mamamamama" make everything wonderful! I love him so much and want to be my best for him. 

Random Update on Our Life

I haven't written in forever. School has been very busy, being a mom has been busy, realizing that plans for six months from now will probably change drastically (No, we're not pregnant)
so, blogging falls by the wayside.

But life has been full of so many blessings!

Samuel continues to grow. He hasn't gained much weight recently, my milk supply has probably gone down since he has to take a bottle most days that I'm at school, but we caught it early and the doctor is helping us get a routine set up to help him get the food he needs.

I got an A on my first ASL test! Which is awesome, 'cause last semester was not quite so good. I'm also loving my English class. I LOVE the way my teacher sets everything up and forces us to work on our essays slowly by having us turn them in piece by piece, focussing on different aspects every time! It's helping my writing so much.

I have also submitted a piece to a magazine! I think I'd like to do more of that! I don't know yet if it will be published or not, but I've decided that I'd like to try to write more, and if I can get published that would be fantastic! I'm also currently working on two children's books. An illustrating major just moved into our ward, so I may have to ask if she'd like to collaborate.

Cameron is thinking of other options for grad school (we were originally planning to stay here) so that potentially puts me in a tough spot for graduating. Still totally doable, I'd just have to do online classes if we left Provo. But we're praying and counseling together and I'm sure we'll find the best solution. (I just hope it's soon so we can plan for the future!)

General conference was AWESOME. My dad was able to come out early for a business trip and spend sunday conference with us, and Cameron's mom and little sister came up for Saturday conference. It was so wonderful to see them! I also made my mom's oh-so-delicious cinnamon rolls and they were awesome! (I'll probably share the recipe on here sometime because it is SO good!)
and, of course, I absolutely loved the messages that were shared! I especially loved all the messages about being kind and courteous to others, regardless of whether we have different beliefs. I know I struggled with that a little when I was younger, and it can still be hard to respond with kindness when people are cruel or hurtful to me or others, but I have a testimony that God wants us to love each other and treat each other well. I hope that I can continue to try to become more christ-like, especially as I go back and listen to the talks from conference over again.

Sam's sleep training is going really well! (Except last night he woke up several times, but I think that he is legitimately teething this time, so we'll let it slide and hope it doesn't become the norm.) He felt so bad for keeping me up all night last night that he let me take an almost-three-hour nap with him today! It was much needed.

Thanks for letting me just blurt out random pieces of news. I am loving life! I am loving a more structured schedule for Sam, and I love the Lord!
Happy October!

(here's a sneak peak of some pictures my dad took of us over the weekend!)

Seven Months Old

This month has gone by much too quickly. My sweet, sweet Samuel is growing too fast! I really can't stand it. He is now scooting all over the apartment at top speed, still mostly army crawling. The day he turned seven months he succeeded in pulling himself into a standing position without any help form Cameron or me! Now he can shuffle sideways in a standing position and gets super excited about it!

He loves to laugh. At least once a week he finds something new that makes him so happy that he has to giggle. Some new discoveries include turning a light switch on and off, the "rawr" sound mommy makes when we're playing with his lion rattle, burying his face in the soft back cushions of our new couches, flicking rain drops off of leaves.

He's done remarkably well dealing with coming to school twice a day with me, though I've discovered that I need to get a rainproof cover for the stroller. We're swapping babysitting with two other couples and Samuel loves his little friends (both just a few months older than him!) He's become much more vocal since meeting his friend K. and even though L. doesn't talk back to him much he loves to blabber to both of them. His favorite words these days are "blah" and "hi" (though I don't think he knows what they mean. He is starting to respond to his name though! That's super exciting :)

Today we started sleep training, and it is not going nearly as smoothly as all the other blogger mommies make it sound. I'm praying it starts going more smoothly soon. We're not even doing the cry-it-out method, but its still been a pretty teary experience for him, but he's asleep now! I think he's finally figuring out that I'll come back in when he's not crying and that its ok to fall asleep without eating at the same time. Here's hoping he magically sleeps through the night! And that he get's to nap tomorrow.

He is such a little angel and I am so grateful that he came to our home. I am so grateful to be his mommy, to see his sweet smiles every day, to be able to make him happy, and to be able to take care of him! It is such a blessing, and I am so grateful! 

Feeling Grateful Today

Being a mom is really time consuming, and mind consuming, and all consuming. I hardly think about anything else, ever (which is why I really ought to be reviewing ASL right now instead of writing this, but it's nice to do something just for fun.)

I love my life. Goodness, I get tired sometimes, like all-the-times, but it is so wonderful! I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven who strengthens me. There are many moments, like yesterday morning, when I am too tired to even think about moving but I say a little prayer and He helps me to keep pushing on without falling over or dropping my baby, and then blesses me with a nap!

I'm also so grateful for my husband who is so supportive and helpful. Even though he has a sprained ankle and a cold and is taking the GRE this weekend he still takes the time to help me and just sit and talk and make me feel loved!

I am also so grateful for my little angel baby. He is so wonderful. Yesterday was tough, I think he might be catching whatever I have, but his little smiles and giggles make me so happy. No matter what burdens I am carrying, his smile lightens them instantly. Motherhood is amazing. I can't even begin to describe how much I have grown, especially emotionally. I've always had a pretty low threshold for stress and sleep deprivation (anyone who knew me in high school can tell you I got sick all the time) but I have been strengthened in my mind and body. I've learned how to keep pushing, to just take one more step, and then another, and another, until I'm running full speed again. It truly is a miracle.

I'm so grateful for all my friends and family, for their love and support, and for the joy it gives me to know that I am not alone.

I'm grateful for baby bouncers and bagels with strawberry cream cheese.

I'm grateful for baby giggles and kind strangers and windows that open.

I'm grateful for sunshine, I'm grateful for rain, I'm grateful for this beautiful place I live in that I used to think was a barren desert. I'm grateful that my mind can change!

I'm grateful for my tiny apartment that has a full sized stove, oven, and refrigerator. I'm grateful for the concrete floors covered in cheap linoleum and million year old carpet that don't creak when I'm putting my baby down to sleep.

I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for my family members that I have known who have passed away. I'm grateful for their examples, and for the love I still feel from them.

I'm grateful for my faith: for my knowledge of a life after this where we can have a second chance and can be with our families again. I'm grateful for a merciful God who loves me, and all of us, more than anything!

I am grateful that happiness is a choice!

Six Months!

Five days late, but here it goes! Sam is six months old! (And currently asleep, can I get a "hallelujah?" I'm sick and this is his second nap today which hasn't been happening lately so I'm super excited, since I slept during his first one.)

Sleeping in the Car

Major updates for this month: Sam is scooting! I wouldn't exactly call it crawling yet but he's on his way for sure! Which means I need to make sure nothing that isn't ok to go in his mouth is on the floor. Thankfully we cleaned well before we went on our big trip so we just have to not put anything new on the floor.

Sam scooting with Daddy

Speaking of our trip, Samuel went on his first (and second, third, fourth) plane ride(s)! We had a couple plane changes. But he did really well! On the first three flights he fell asleep as between when the engines turned on and when we reached cruising altitude, and on the first and third flight he didn't wake up until we landed! The last flight, which was only an hour, he was awake and happy the whole time. Everyone on the planes seemed really happy that he was such a good baby. We were so proud of our little guy!

Sam loved the curtains at my parents' home

He did great on our trip and loved meeting his uncle Cameron, aunt Lizzie (Stein) and Uncle Bryan, Aunt Felicia, and cousin Weston.  He also got to meet my high school choir teachers, a bunch of my favorite people who still live in our home ward, and my best friends from high school! He was fascinated by my sister's dog Franky, who was equally fascinated (and a little bit jealous) of Sam. Samuel had his first trip to Zingerman's Deli and a bunch of other neat places around Ann Arbor, met a cat for the first time (who thankfully didn't mind Sam constantly reaching for it's tail) and discovered that he loves soccer!

Playing with cousin "Fireman" Weston

He also tried his first taste of real food! He has only had avocado so far, but he really likes it. After two weeks of trying desperately to eat anything we were eating I finally just took some avocado that didn't make it into my sandwich and smooshed it up for him and fed him off my plate. He was a happy camper after that! Now he wants to try everything else on our plates... We're going to try peas and sweet potatoes next. Maybe it'll get me to eat more vegetables, too!

While we were in Vegas, Sam had his first experience with swimming where he didn't look miserable. I think he actually liked it! Unfortunately, he started getting cold and shivering so I really quick took him inside and dried him off, but he liked the water, especially the little fountain in the shallow end. He also made great friends with his cousin (once removed) Ellie, who is eight. They had a blast together. He also loved interacting with all of Ellie's older brothers, and my arms got a much appreciated break.

Sam has gotten much better at grabbing things and controlling his hands. He likes to put everything in his mouth. A few times he's managed to get his bottle into his mouth all on his own a few times, but has never tipped it high enough to get anything out of it on his own.

He laughs at a lot more things now as well, including clapping, sneezing, dancing, and continues to love tickling, raspberries, and kisses. He also is starting to recognize pictures of people. I've started putting my phone on speaker when people call so I can have my hands free and he can recognize his daddy's face and voice, and I think my mom's as well (they're the only ones I have really good pictures of in my contacts.)

He will have his six month check up on Monday, but from holding him on a scale and subtracting my weight he looks to be about 16 lbs! In the last couple of days he's sat up on his own and tried to pull himself up onto his daddy's stomach. He's growing up much too fast. I never understood when parents said that until now. I really wish he'd slow down! Especially since I'll be going back to school in a couple weeks I can't bear to think that he might change or do something new when I'm not there to see it! Being a mom is hard! I can handle the crying, the late nights, the poopy diapers, but I can't bear to see him grow so fast! Sigh.

can you believe how much he's grown?

I Feel My Savior's Love

As a new mom I'm always busy, but I want to make sure I'm busy with the right things. It's much too easy to just pick up the iPad and play games every time I'm nursing instead of picking up a book or calling a friend or family member. I've been feeling a bit down the last few days, easily overwhelmed, short of temper: not the me I want to be.
So, a few nights ago I followed my husband's example and had a good scripture study. Not just reading a chapter, but really contemplating the meaning of what I was reading and looking for ways to apply it in my life. It felt so good. I don't know why I ever try to make excuses about why I shouldn't or can't do that.
I'm grateful for my Savior and for his love. He grants me peace and patience and inexpressible joy. I am so grateful for the many, many glorious blessings that he has given to me, and to everyone! I'm grateful for the atonement. I'm grateful that I can be with my family forever. As I was holding Sam that night, I began singing a song I learned in church when I was a little girl that touched my heart and helped me to feel the love of my Lord and Savior. I didn't know that I remembered all the words, but somehow I did and it brought me the peace that I had been seeking for days.

I feel my Savior's love
in all the world around me.
His spirit warms my soul
through everything I see.

He knows I will follow Him,
give all my life to Him.
I feel my Savior's love,
The love He freely gives me.

I feel my Savior's love
It's gentleness enfolds me,
and when I kneel to pray
my heart is filled with peace.

I feel my Savior's love
and know that he will bless me.
I offer him my heart.
My shepherd he will be.

I'll share my Savior's love
by serving others freely.
In serving I am blessed
In giving I receive!

He knows I will follow Him,
give all my life to Him.
I feel my Savior's love,
the love He freely gives me.

An Open Letter to my Mother

Less than three months ago I became a mother: a lifelong dream of mine. Even as a little girl I wanted to be like you, Mom. I didn't understand all you did for me, how blessed (and a little bit spoiled) I was. All I knew was that I loved you and you loved me. Your world seemed to revolve around me and that's just the way life worked. I never even thought to worry that there might be some time that you wouldn't be able to take care of me.

You showed me compassion when you had me choose some of my toys and clothes to take to children with less than me, even when we were struggling financially. You never let me know how hard it was for you and Dad to make ends meet for those few hard years. You never allowed me to carry that burden, or worry about what was coming. I had complete faith in you to make everything turn out all right.

I remember when I was four and a balloon animal that was given to me popped. I was sad until Daddy told me, "give it to Mommy, she can fix anything." I quickly learned that a popped balloon animal could not be fixed, but far from diminishing my trust in you, I learned from Dad that I could trust you with anything.

When I wanted a fabulous Halloween costume you never failed to deliver something beautiful and extraordinary. What's more, you never complained about my high expectations or the long hours spent at the sewing machine after we had all gone to bed, even when you had a young baby to take care of in the middle of the night. I thought grownups just didn't need as much sleep, and that you always stayed up late, that you liked sewing for me more than resting. Now that I have my own baby, I know what a sacrifice it must have been for you.

You listened to everything I went through, starting with the little things (ladybugs that refused to be caught, my caterpillar that wouldn't turn into a butterfly) to the huge amounts of angst I suffered in high school as I fussed over boys and bullies. You never diminished my suffering or told me to get over it. You always held me as I cried, even if moments before I had been yelling at you, or when I had totally brought my pain on myself.

You always told me that I was beautiful, that I didn't need makeup to be pretty, but you also taught me how to do my makeup and hair so that I didn't look like a clown when I tried to do it myself. Even more importantly, you taught me how to take care of my body. You always made sure that I had a "sport" to participate in and vegetables with dinner. You taught me to brush my teeth and wash my face.

You taught me patience. How did you keep your cool with five crazy kids and an oldest daughter that always needed your full attention? You taught me to love unconditionally. You showed me how to serve others, how to be kind, and how to balance my life. You helped me by not hiding your mistakes, but using them to teach me so that I wouldn't have to make the same ones to learn the lessons that would help me be a better person.

You always had faith in me. You never told me there was something I couldn't accomplish. You helped a tone-deaf, monotone little girl work her way up into a collegiate audition choir. You helped a girl who was too clumsy to skip for years to win dance competitions.

You supported me and helped me to look for my husband with spiritual eyes. When I told you in July that I wanted to be married at Thanksgiving you jumped right in with me to make the wedding happen. You were there with me on that special day, helping to make everything perfect, and you graciously passed the baton of best friend and helper to my husband.

You've laughed with me, cried with me, and never gave up on me.

And on the day you were called at four in the morning and told your grandson was coming early, you jumped on a plane and made it in time to share the most special moment of my life so far. You stayed for two weeks and mothered me again as I tried to learn to be a mother myself while recovering from the most physically traumatic thing I've been through so far.

You are an angel from Heaven. Your love, patience, and selflessness are truly divine. I thank our loving Father that he gave me to such an amazing mother to teach me how to live, and I hope that I can be as wonderful of a mommy as you are. I love you, I am so grateful for you, and twenty-almost-two years later I still want to be like you. Thank you, Mom, for everything.

Babbling

Sam is starting to experiment with talking! It is the cutest thing. If I put him down in his crib to go do something he'll start babbling to himself, or he'll respond to me when I'm talking or singing. Mostly it's just strings of vowels, but every once in a while there's a good 'h' or 'g' sound in there. It makes me smile so big. He's starting to smile more as well! He has the happiest personality and I love it. He smiled when I went to pick him up this morning, and even though I'd only gotten three hours of sleep this morning, his big grin when he first saw me made me feel so happy. It's great to feel like he loves me and appreciates what I'm doing for him.

It's so fascinating to watch him grow and learn and develop. A few weeks ago we could wave a toy in front of his face and he wouldn't even blink, and now he's fascinated with his colorful giraffe with rattles in its feet. I can't wait until he's old enough to hold onto it and shake it himself. He's also starting to put his hands in his mouth a lot, which is adorable, but reminds me that I probably need to start stocking up on toys he can put in his mouth and start babyproofing the house before he starts scooting around and "eating" books and pencils instead.

I may have mentioned this in my last post, but he also sometimes stops nursing to smile up at me and babble some adorable phrase that probably means something like, "You're the best mom in the whole world for feeding me all the time, and this milk is so good! Thank you so much, Mommy! I love you!" Or at least that's what I tell myself and it matches his level of enthusiasm.

Despite how exhausted I am, this is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. Every once in a while I think it could be nice to have a little break, but if I'm doing anything without him besides sleeping I miss my little boy so much!

I'm so grateful to have this little angel in my life and for the love I feel from him, and for the miraculous strength and energy I receive from my Father in Heaven. I see miracles every day.

Motherhood is Love

I would like to apologize in advance for the many run-on sentences in this post. I'm just letting my thoughts out and not worrying about grammar today. Thanks for your patience :)

I used to think that marriage is all about sacrifice and putting other's needs before your own--and it is--but then I became a mom.

And I realized that being a mom is really all about sacrifice and putting others first.

and then my mom, who had been staying with us and helping with baby and cooking and cleaning, went home and I realized it even more.

and then this weekend I got sick. Now I know that motherhood is really all about putting others first and making the hard choices and choosing to be strong even when you feel weak and praying your heart out because you don't want your baby to get sick because of the selfish reason of not wanting to have to stay up with him all night to make sure he can breathe but even more because you love that baby with all your heart and never want him to have to go through something as hard as a runny nose and sore throat.

wow.

I never knew that I could love so deeply and so completely. Nothing melts my heart so much as seeing my amazing husband holding our little boy, or having Sam pause his nursing just to give me a great big smile, or snuggling my baby and having his daddy wrap his arms around both of us. I never knew how sustaining love and prayers could be until I spent two and a half months waking up multiple times a night to feed this tiny little person and spent all day feeding him even more and changing diapers and still somehow have energy to go on walks and play peek-a-boo and sing until I'm horse.

Being a mom is a lot of work: exhausting, humbling, beautiful work. I have never been happier, nor more easily recognized the hand of the Lord in my life. My heart is so full of gratitude to my Father in Heaven for the many miracles he has wrought in my behalf. I am so glad that Cameron and I listened as He has guided us in the timing for beginning our family, both in our marriage and in having Sam.

As always, thank you so much everyone for your loving support as we haphazardly navigate our way through this crazy, wonderful life!

20 Seconds of Bravery

In the movie "We Bought a Zoo" the main character talks a lot about how in life sometimes all you need are 20 seconds of bravery to change your life. Cameron seems to live by that.

When we first met we were singing at a BYU devotional with the Men's and Women's Choruses. I moved in to the very edge of the alto section so I would be sitting next to the tenors. I said to myself, "I'm going to meet a tenor today." That's when Cameron's 20 seconds started. He saw me, recognized me from choir functions and the notorious Men's Chorus Comercial, and decided to sit down and introduce himself.

He had another 20 seconds of bravery when he asked for my number.

And when he found me on facebook after I was a jerk and didn't reply to his text.

And when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Or to kiss me for the first time.

Or if I would be his wife.

He had a lot of moments when he decided to be brave the summer we met, and I am so grateful for all of them. Here's to more moments of bravery! (like raising a child, graduating college, and everything else coming our way)

Zebra is The New Pink!

Admittedly, body image is something I struggle with a little bit. I didn't think it was when I was skinny and fit and had great skin, I was fine with being in a size 6 and I didn't want to lose weight and I wasn't obsessed with the number on the scale. But once I started gaining weight I started caring more. I gained a good 35 pounds during pregnancy and sadly it doesn't automatically fall off as soon as the baby pops out.

So, my life has a new normal. I don't have as much of a waist as I used to, I have bags under my eyes from not sleeping enough, I'm closer to 150 lbs than 115, I sweat more, I smell like spit-up, and I have so many stretch marks on my tummy that I look like a zebra. But you know what? Zebra is this year's pink! I am beautiful, even with my scars. I never showed my tummy off anyways, so what does it matter? My husband still loves me, I am taking care of my body (minus the not sleeping part) and I can be confident in my own, albeit stretched and saggy, skin. I may not look like a supermodel, but I used my body, with divine help, to build another body and create life, and now I use my body to sustain that life.

So I say, bring on the stretch marks! Bring on the few more months of maternity clothes, the tired eyes, the hours of nursing, the spit-up and exploded diapers on my clothes, the sore biceps, the abs that will probably never be quite the same. They may not be glamorous, but I wouldn't trade them for anything because of what they represent. I am a mother. I have a baby boy who I love with all my heart, my husband loves me and tells me I'm beautiful, I know that the Lord loves me, and that's all I really need.

I choose to be proud of my body. I choose to love myself. I choose to be grateful for this miracle, no matter the sacrifice. I'm so grateful that happiness is a choice not a circumstance.

Getting to Know Samuel

I love my sweet baby. I always wondered how new moms, or even "old" moms of a new baby could ever say anything about what their baby "likes," but I'm much too proud to say that I think I'm figuring out some of Sam's likes and dislikes.

He likes eating. A lot. Seems pretty obvious, but when he realizes that within a few seconds he will be eating, his eyes light up and he starts breathing fast and he opens his mouth like a little bird. It is the cutest thing :)

He doesn't like dirtying his diapers. His face always turns red and he grunts and whimpers until he's done with his business. He also strongly dislikes when he has gas in his tummy. Thankfully his grandma had the foresight to buy some baby gas medicine before she left. He seems to really like how it tastes. Why can't grown-up or even kids' medicine be so yummy?

He loves being held and snuggled. He is usually a very content baby, as long as he's in someone's arms! I love that. My arms do get tired, but I love holding him. He can nap for hours if he's being held.

He has mixed feelings about being swaddled. If he's awake, he does not like it, and will break out in a matter of minutes. If I can get him swaddled when he's dozing, then he'll sleep much more soundly than if I don't wrap him up.

He likes lying on his tummy for short amounts of time. Usually not more than ten minutes, but he's getting really strong!

He loves it when his daddy and I sing to him. It helps him calm down if he's fussy, and he seems to be more alert if we sing when he's calm and not sleepy.

He likes to hold his head up, and look at lights, or things with a lot of contrast, like our tan and brown curtains.

I can't believe it's already been a month since he was born! I'm so excited to keep getting to know my little boy and watching him grow! Family is such a blessing.

Almost One Month Old!

Tomorrow Sam will be one month old! Can you believe it? Where does the time go? We are going to have to do something to celebrate. He is growing so fast! He is already getting to the point where his newborn clothes aren't baggy anymore. It's so excited to see other little things he's learning to do. Yesterday he made his first noise that wasn't a grunt! It's so exciting to get to hear his little coos starting to come out. He's also learning to scoot! Yesterday we put them down on a blanket on the floor on his tummy and he scooted a good foot within a minute or so. We're going to have to keep a close eye on him once he can actually crawl. He's also getting pretty good at holding his head up and looking around. It's pretty darling when he's been doing it for a while and his neck starts to get tired so his head wobbles while he tries to keep it up.

This little boy always seems to be hungry. I'm pretty sure I feed him for at least six hours a day. That makes it a little bit hard to get anything done, but I really enjoy it. I love to just hold my little boy and watch him grow. I'm so excited that he's gaining weight and getting chubbier! Cameron and I were both so skinny as kids I figured none of our babies would ever have rolls. Sam isn't quite there yet, but he's on his way!

He doesn't like to sleep for very long unless he's being held. Usually I try really hard to put him back in his crib once he falls asleep so that he can be used to it, but this morning I was so tired that I just lay down on the couch holding him on my tummy and we both napped for a couple hours. That was such a blessing. Sleep is a hot commodity around here these days.

I'm so happy to be a mom and to have the blessing of being able to stay home and take care of my little angel baby myself. I love him so much and would probably go crazy if I had to spend the whole day away from him. It's going to take me a long time to finish school, but I'm going to do it! My number one goal has always been to be a mom, so I'm determined to keep working at that and putting my family first.

An OLD post: My Fiancé Loves Me

I was just going through some old blog posts and found one that I'd never published. I wrote it in August of 2012, before Cameron and I were married. It made me smile to look back on, so I thought I'd share it.


In 82 days I get to marry my best friend. I am so grateful for him. Let me tell you why...

A couple weeks ago I got the stomach flu, and it was no fun. He came down with it first, so I went over to his apartment and brought him orange juice, ingredients for a berry smoothie, a thermometer, and some crackers. I didn't stay long because I had to finish (and by finish I mean do most of) packing and cleaning and moving out of my apartment. When I got home I started feeling a bit ill and decided to try and pack as quickly as possible while my health deteriorated. I unfortunately didn't get as far as I would have liked. I started feeling like I was going to be sick so I lay down. After about two hours of sleeping I felt a tiny bit better, tried to pack a little more, and talked to Cameron for a little bit. He said he was feeling much better and asked if he could help. I didn't want to say yes since I knew he was unwell but eventually I gave it, packed what I had ready in the car and went to pick him up.

After we dropped some things off at my aunt and uncle's home, we went back to my apartment. Cam started packing up my kitchen and I continued to work on my bedroom until I had to lie down again. And that's when I found out it was the stomach flu. So as I lay on the couch becoming well acquainted with my trash can, my wonderful fiancé packed and cleaned my kitchen, bedroom, toiletry cupboard, everything. He got everything in the car, and helped me walk out.

He took me to my aunt and uncle's home where I would be staying for two weeks, lay me down on my futon, got my bucket for me, and started unpacking the car. He came in every so often to bring me water, wipe my face with a cool towel, all that jazz. After he got everything unpacked, which was very late at night, and I had fallen asleep, he went home.

And came back by about nine in the morning to take care of me. He read me books, went to the store to buy me gatorade, helped me walk to the bathroom, living room, anywhere I wanted to go and made me feel like a princess. He's so wonderful.