How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred II

I know that a lot of people will disagree with me about this post, but I feel that it is very important that I share it.  Just because I am saying that I think you're wrong, that does not mean that I don't love and respect you, so please be kind and respect my freedom of speech as I respect yours.

Things that are sacred should not be taken lightly. Marriage is sacred, as is your relationship with your spouse and their trust. Sexual intimacy is sacred and should not be treated casually or shared outside of marriage.

Abstinence before marriage is a legitimate option. My husband and I are both so grateful that we chose not to share that part of ourselves with anyone else or even with each other until we were married. It has brought us so much closer, and enabled us to see sex as the God-given gift that it is and use it purely as an expression of love. I'm so grateful that I never have to try not to think of anyone else when I'm with my husband.

Once you're married, that doesn't necessarily mean that anything goes. You still need to respect the sanctity of intimacy, and you still need to be faithful to your spouse. Decide with your spouse and the Lord what is righteous, and what you are comfortable with. Don't push your spouse to do things that they are uncomfortable with, even if you don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Fidelity to your spouse obviously excludes having sex with anyone else, but there are other ways of being unfaithful. The Lord said "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). (Women, this scripture applies to you as well.) Sometimes bad thoughts will come into your mind. Sometimes images or words or music that are offensive are put in front of you and it's not your fault. What is your fault is when you continue to entertain those thoughts, or keep looking or listening. When you do something with the intent to have sexual thoughts or feelings about another person besides your spouse, this is a sin.

Pornography is not a righteous thing. It is a form of infidelity, it is harmful not only to yourself, but to your marriage, your family, and it damages your view of sexuality, changing it from something Godly to something base, dirty, and sinful. Whether it's videos, pictures, books, music, you-name-it, if it causes you to think of someone other than your spouse in a sexual way, stop it. It doesn't matter the rating, the medium, or who recommended it to you. If your mind starts wandering places you shouldn't go, get away from it. Run like Joseph did from Potiphar's wife. Run and don't look back.

Porn not only ruins your view of sexuality, but of love, people, and bodies. Sex is not love. It can and aught to be a way of expressing  love, but lust is not the same as love. Pornography damages your ability to see the difference and recognize pure, godly love. Porn objectifies men and women, and their bodies, turning them into objects meant solely for gratification. We not only see this in explicit pornography, but in advertising everywhere. We need to see people first and foremost as children of our Heavenly Father, not bodies to be stared at.

Don't allow yourself to become too emotionally attached to anyone other than your spouse. Guard your emotions. Even if the feelings you have for someone else aren't sexual, they can still be unfaithful in nature. It can harm your relationship with your spouse. Remember to love your spouse more than anyone. "Cleave unto her [or him] and none else" (Gen 2; D&C 42:22.)

If you already have a problem with infidelity or pornography or anything else I've talked about, it's not too late to change. Because of the Savior's atonement you can start over, multiple times a day if you have to. He loves you, he will forgive you, and he can help you to rebuild your life. If you find that you have an addiction to pornography or anything else and can't kick the habit on your own, seek help. It's ok. There are lots of fantastic resources to help you overcome it. Talk to your church leaders, find addiction recovery groups in your community, ask your family members and friends for help and support. You can do it.

Marriage and family are central to God's plan for our salvation and happiness. Sex is also a part of that plan--not just for bringing children into the world, but for our enjoyment and for expressing love to our spouse. Because it is so sacred, we must treat it that way. The Lord loves us. We can do hard things, we can obey his commandments, and we can love and respect our spouses (current or future.)

If you're interested, here are some great talks on the same topics I covered.
Protection from Pornography--a Christ Centered Home
Personal Purity
Sanctify Yourselves: This talk was given specifically to an audience of men but it applies to everyone
Nurturing Marriage
LDS Addiction Recovery

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Some Things Should be Sacred

Some things ought to be kept sacred. What happens behind closed doors should stay there. I'm not only talking about "what happens in the bedroom," although that's definitely up there on the list.

If you treat something as sacred, you make it special. It's private, and it's important. You don't tell the whole world, or facebook, or even your mother. Your relationship with your spouse is very special, and won't last if neither of you feel that you can trust each other or that you don't have the privacy you need. It will not help your relationship if you go to your friends or parents or siblings with stories about sex, disagreements, or insecurities. All it will do is damage your spouse in that person's eyes and hurt your spouse's trust and ability to be honest and vulnerable with you.

Talk things over with your spouse. If you are upset and need to vent, (it's ok, it happens sometimes) prayer and journaling are both great ways to get your emotions out and think through how you really feel without saying things that you don't mean to your spouse or saying things that are only your business to other people.

This summer I was going through a rough patch emotionally and physically (morning sickness is no picnic) and I got really frustrated with myself as well as being more irritable in general. I asked Cameron to not read my journal (not that he did before, but I just wanted him to know that I needed that to be a private place in case I ever left it out) and put all of my frustrations in there. Sometimes I've used my journal to keep my emotions pent up, but this summer I used it to let off steam. I said things in there that I didn't really mean, or would have sounded wrong if I said them out loud. I needed somewhere to gather my thoughts before I went to Cameron with problems or for help so that I didn't say something hurtful.

Before we were married I would have vented to my mom. She and I have always been close and I used to tell her everything. I've learned now that some things are meant for just Cameron and I, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I love my mom any less or that we're not as close. I can still talk to her about wishing we had a dishwasher or pregnancy questions or anything that isn't private and between my husband and I.

Don't post your feelings about relationship problems on facebook, twitter, or other social media and public places. It's not good for your relationship and it's awkward for others. If it's a cry for help and you want your spouse to see it and fix whatever problem, this isn't the place or the way to do it. Instead, talk to them in person. If you really are too upset to talk, consider writing a letter or email, carefully going over it to make sure that you're not being hurtful, only honest, and asking your spouse to read it.

Keeping these things out of public eyes doesn't mean you're lying. You don't need to pretend to anyone that you have a perfect marriage. It's ok to admit to faults and problems. However, sharing details of your personal life with your spouse is not something that should be done without careful consideration and consent. It's his (or her) relationship as well, not just yours.

Happy things can be sacred, too. There are times when I just want to tell the whole world how wonderful my husband is because he did x, y, and z for me! I have trouble holding it in, but sometimes there are things that should stay just between us, even if they are wonderful and make me incredibly happy. I try not to post the contents of the love notes he leaves me, or sometimes the gifts or acts of service he does for me. Because I love and appreciate them so much, they are very special and something that ought to be just between the two of us.

There are rare occasions when this rule needs to be thrown out the window. If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and you have tried to communicate this to your spouse and nothing has changed, seek help. Don't try to hide or be strong. It's not selfish to protect yourself from physical or emotional harm. Do it in the proper way (again, not in your facebook status) but do something about it. You never have to be stuck somewhere where you do not feel safe. It doesn't have to mean divorce. I know people who have mended a relationship that was on the verge of falling apart and are now blissfully married, but I know others where it was good and necessary for the couple to separate. Consult the Lord as to how to deal with your specific situation. He loves you and he will not lead you astray.

Don't forget to tell your spouse how much you love them today!

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Unplug

Some people are good at multitasking. I am not. I'm so bad that if I'm doing anything that requires more concentration then pacing (like noticing a pretty bird outside the window or clicking a pen) I completely lose track of the conversation that I'm in. This has gotten even worse since being pregnant. Don't even bother trying to get me to answer a question if I'm watching a movie that I don't have memorized.

My husband is much better. He can send an email and talk to me at the same time. He can watch a movie and write a paper without ending up with a copy of the movie script instead like I do.

From these examples it's probably obvious that I should turn off my electronic devices, close books, put on blinders, tie my hands behind my back, etc. if I want to make my husband feel that I'm paying attention to him and that what he has to say is valuable and interesting to me. But why should he? If he's still capable of having a conversation with me, why should he have to give up Tiny Wings, work, school, or Twitter when we're talking? It's all about quality time.

When you're not willing to give someone your undivided attention, it sends the message that they are not as important as your phone, your work, your book. Should you do this to your spouse? NO! Ironically we often treat our family poorly because they have to love us no matter what, but they should be the ones we are kindest and closest to, ESPECIALLY our spouse because we got to choose that one. Your spouse should be your best friend, your one true love, and the last person on Earth you want to hurt or offend. One of the greatest ways to show your love is through quality time. Put away your other activities for a while, look him in the eyes, and just give time to having a real conversation.

If you're trying to have quality time but your spouse isn't taking the hint and putting away the Nintendo, it may be time to try the magical remedy of (drumroll, please) Communication! Try waiting until they are no longer engulfed in that activity, even if it's an unnecessary one, and kindly (not naggingly or accusingly) express that you would like to, as a couple, have time where you put aside other things, unplug, and just have time together. It's hard not to lash out when you're angry, or to make a snide remark to try and get the other person's attention, but it is not a loving way to deal with the issue and will escalate the problem instead of solving it. If your spouse is otherwise occupied, give them an obvious cue that you need their attention before diving in. Try something like "Honey, can I talk to you about something?" or "Would you mind putting that away for a little while? I have something I'd like to talk about." Then wait for them to willingly turn their attention to you before you start. Subtlety is usually lost on people who are not looking, or listening, in your direction.

My dear husband is so patient with me. When I get distracted by a witty bumper sticker and comment on it while we're driving together, he lovingly responds and brings the conversation back to where we were. Sometimes when he realizes that my train of thought is not following the conversation, he gently breaks my daydream and reminds me that he needs me to listen when he is talking about things that are important to him.

Remember to be patient, and not be easily offended. Remember how much you love him/ her and that he or she loves you, too. She's most likely NOT maliciously trying to tune you out. He's just human, and will make mistakes sometimes.

Playing video games, watching movies, and listening to music together can be a lot of fun and a great way to bond, but its not good to do it all the time. Texting is a wonderful invention, but don't use it for important or sensitive topics (like apologies or discussions of needs that are not currently being met.) Again, make time for just each other. Come up with activities where your eyes don't have to be glued to something else. Turn off the radio in the car. Just be together and take the time to let your love grow and continue to get to know each other!

What are some things that you like to do when you're 'unplugged?' Do you have any good remedies for a distracted spouse? How do you show your undivided attention to each other?

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Continuing Courtship

My dear husband Cameron asked if he could write the post on courtship, so here it is! I love that we can do this little project together :)

Dating, courtship, and engagement were amazing periods of time for Dana and myself. We loved it. We were together everyday doing something. One day we were dancing in front of the castle at Disneyland, other days it was making Macaroni and Cheese on a cold wintery day. Whatever we did, we loved being together. 

Courting one another is an essential part of the pre-marriage and post-wedding stage. I have found that as I try to do things for and with my wife that our marriage blossoms exponentially. 

Elder Christiansen said once: “Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in school, work, extracurricular activities that we lose sight of those who are closest to us. My grandfather, Grandpa Blake, always tells Dana to call him if I don't treat her right… luckily she hasn't had to call him! I am grateful for that. I think that we have been able to grow in our love since our marriage is because we have taken to time to court one another. We go out of our way to do things for one another. Sometimes things are spontaneous and other times we plan well in advance to spend special time together. 

These are three things that Dana and I do to continue courting one another: 

1. Go on dates! This is a biggie! Every week, take the time to just be alone together. Whether that is at home watching a movie, taking a walk, shooting guns (we don't do this one much but we have friends and family that do), whatever, take the time to be together. Turn off your cell phone, or just be disciplined and don't look at it. This is YOUR time together that makes a marriage grow. 
2. Be spontaneous! Guys, if a crazy awesome idea enters your mind and you have a second to decide, do it with her! One day we were walking on BYU campus heading south. As you walk from north to south there is a 9 story building called the Spencer W Kimball Building, or SWKT (swi-ket). We saw one of our friends who happens to be a security guard walking in front of us. We went spy-style, followed him for a minute, and then caught up with him. He told us he was going to the top of the SWKT to check things out and invited us along! We said YES! The top is locked at all times, so this was a real treat! He let us stay up there for as long as we wanted and we had a blast, and a great view of Provo. None of that would have happened had we not been spontaneous. 
3. Have fun! Dating and beginning to court is awesome and so much fun! Be respectful and do appropriate activities. Courtship in marriage is also a blast! You are married (or will be married) to your best friend. Treat your spouse as the queen or king that they are. When life gives you lemons, just laugh and move forward!! Enjoy your time together. Loving, laughing, and courting are activities that make your marriage strong. 

Allow me to reiterate something: you are married to your BEST FRIEND. Cherish every moment you have and court each other every moment of every day, and you will be happy. 

What are ways that you court one another? We'd like to know. 

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Set Goals Together

Setting goals, individually and as a couple, is really important in marriage. It forces you to think of where you want to go and who you want to become, and gives you direction in your life and in your relationship. As you discuss your needs and those of your partner, your dreams and aspirations, and how you want to get there (see Communication,) you will be able to become one in purpose and have the same vision for where you want to go. This will make the journey much easier and more enjoyable, since you will be working with instead of against each other. The end result will also be more fulfilling if you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you and your spouse are happy and fulfilled and that you accomplished something together.

Goals can be for the long or short term (I want to finish this project within the next two hours, or I want to get a doctorate degree.) I usually set shorter term goals, but I find that they have the most purpose and help me get somewhere worthwhile when I think about where I want to be in the long term. Basically,  *What is the reality I want to create? I think 1, 5, 10 years down the road, maybe more, and decide what my spiritual, educational, physical, financial, marital, familial (etc, etc,) situation will be. In ten years, I'll be 31. Do I want to have completed my undergrad? Do I want to have credit card debt? Do I want to have children and still be married to Cameron? What do I want my relationship with them to be like? What do I want my reality to be? This is the first step. 

(If you haven't worked through this part with your spouse, make sure that you do! You want the same vision for your family so that you can work together towards your goals. Its definitely ok to try and come up with a vision before you talk about it, but make sure that you do discuss it together. If you have personal goals, such as for your health, sharing these with your spouse as well as goals and visions that pertain to them, can be a great motivator. If you have someone who can ask you how your goals are going, it can be easier to remember to do them, because you want to be able to answer well.)

The second step is to then figure out how to get there. Say you want to be free of credit card debt in 10 years (putting house and car payments aside, maybe.) The best way to get there is to not fall into debt in the first place. How do you do that? Spend less than you make every month, and make payments on time. How do you know how much you can spend? And so on. Keep asking how and why like a three-year-old until you're able to break your task down into specific, measurable, and doable goals. These three things are important because if a goal is too ambiguous, you have no way to measure how well you're doing at it, or if it's just not possible, then it won't get done and you won't get anywhere.

Next, set timelines for yourself. Sometimes it's good to work backwards. Start with the long term and work your way down to the short term, to make sure that you have time to do everything. Say I have a paper due for school in three weeks. I need to come up with a topic, do research, write one or two preliminary drafts, check those, and print my essay. Starting with printing and going backwards, when do I want to get each of those items done? Take into account how long each of these steps will take to do well. 

Four: Write Down Your Goals! Then put them in a place where you can see them often and think about how well you've done. I've never been particularly good at this part, but it is so important, because it helps you to remember your goals and keep track of them. Keeping track of your progress is important, too. It can be rewarding if you're doing well, or motivation to do better. Do what's best for you. If you need to have someone to be accountable to, ask your spouse to check with you every so often on how you're coming along. 

Remember, marriage is about becoming one as a couple. If you're working in different directions, it's probably not going to happen. Marriage is work, but it can be remarkable fun and rewarding as long as we're willing to work together and give our hearts wholly to each other and to our Father in Heaven.

*I heard this phrase from Bob Quinn, who I think was quoting it from a book titled The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz

How to Have an Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps--Be Spontaneous!

I know we’re going out of order, here. Hubby wanted to write the “continuing courtship” post but I had time to write today so I’m posting this one :).

I’ve heard some couples complain about feeling like they’re stuck in a rut. Sometimes Cameron and I get into a routine that isn’t the most fun and we want to break out of it. (Honestly, that happens the most when we start watching TV a lot.) The best way to get out of this is to be spontaneous! Surprise your spouse with an outing, try a new recipe or restaurant, go somewhere you’ve never been together, break your routine.

This can be really hard to do when you’re both working, or going to school, or both. Your daily routine is pretty much set for you. So how do you break out of the monotony? Look at your priorities. What are the things that are most important to you as a couple? For Cameron and I we make sure that we pray together and have personal and couple scripture study every day, and of course we go to work and school and try to eat well and keep the house clean, but other than that, our priorities are flexible. Put first things first, then see what’s taking up your time that could come out of your routine to make way for play time.

            1.     Weekends

Weekends are a great time to mix it up because you generally have a little bit more time. If you or your spouse works or has school on the weekends, try to find another day where you can both take a break to be together. Weekends are also a great time for short trips. If you can afford it, take a Friday or Monday off of work to give yourselves a three-day weekend and get out of town. Go camping, stay at a bed and breakfast, even in your own town, and just look for adventures where you are.

             2.    Evenings

They’re a great time to throw your routine to the wind and have a bit of fun! Evenings are better for slightly shorter excursions and adventures, especially since you might have to be up early the next morning. And guess what? You can be spontaneous at home! One night a few months ago Cam was feeling a bit down and we’d been doing the same old dinner-and-a-movie-at-home spiel for several date nights, so I suggested we go camping. It was about 55 degrees and raining, and let me tell you I only like camping in nice weather, and even then I get a little grumpy sometimes. I pulled out our tent and camping chairs into the living room, we pushed the furniture into the kitchen and we set up our tent right there! 

We went to the store and grabbed some Jiffy Pop (the kind that comes in a little tinfoil skillet that turns into a bubble when you pop it)

and then ran over to J-dawgs and got some delicious hot dogs, because obviously those are the two things you eat when you are cooking over a “fire."For some reason neither of us thought to get marshmallows. We made a “fire pit” in our tent by putting twinkling Christmas lights in a basket, then rolling up pieces of paper to be our “logs.”

We brought ALL of our blankets into the tent so it would be comfortable to lie on the floor and we played cards, told stories, and ended up falling asleep. It was really fun (and warm and dry, I might add) and it was a great way to break our routine!

               3.     Mornings

If you don’t have anywhere to be super early, or even if you do, mornings can be a great time to mix it up. Wake up early and make your spouse a nice breakfast, drive up to a hill and watch the sunrise. Do something you don’t usually do whether its exercise together, eat together, do the crossword puzzle in the paper together, just set aside as little as ten minutes to do something with your spouse that you generally don’t do with each other. Together time, where you’re really mentally there together, is one of the best ways to come closer and connect.

I'm so grateful for my husband who is always so thoughtful and helps lift me up and is always looking for ways to be spontaneous and show his love to me. How are some ways that you and your spouse are spontaneous and keep from getting stuck in your routine? What do you like to do together for fun?

How to Have and Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps—Have a Weekly Family Night

I'm currently typing this with my hubby asleep next to me on the couch. Its hard to type with my elbows bent backwards so I don't bump his head, but totally worth it so i can sit by him while I do this. Sorry that its been so long, new jobs, plus new callings in church, plus sickness, plus going out of town = not a lot of time to blog.

This time we're talking about having a family night! In our church every Monday night is the common time to do this, but another week night works, too. The point of having it on a week night is so that your family spends time together on a day other than Saturday or Sunday when its more likely to see each other (Or so I've been told. Saturdays were always crazy at my house growing up but that's ok. :)

Family night is all about bonding and growing closer together. Its a great time to go ove everything that will happen in the coming week, set and revisit goals, hold family council, and have lessons. Activities and treats are a great edition as well. Try to let everyone be involved from the baby to the teenager. Let your children help teach the lesson or choose an activity or help make the treats. Let everyone have a job of some kind. This is a wonderful way to invite the Lord's spirit into the home as well. The way you do family night is totally up to you, but here's what a typical family night in the Blake home looks like:

First we welcome everyone (all two of us) to family night and briefly go over the agenda (Who will pray, who will give the lesson, etc). Then we sing an opening hymn and say an invocation (opening prayer.) Next we do announcements. For example, I will be going into work early on Thursday or I have a concert and this is my call time. This way we can make more plans for the week and make sure we're available for each other when needed. Then we go over goals that we've had for the past week and either resolve to continue them or come up with new goals (or maybe both!) We've had goals anywhere from doing the dishes every night to trying to find a stranger to serve doing the week. Whatever you feel your needs are and areas you can improve in, those are the goals you can set. It helps to have someone else to support and remind you of your goals rather than keeping them to yourself and forgetting or losing motivation. After that we usually have a lesson. Sometimes we talk about finances, often we talk about gospel topics and how we can apply them in our lives. When we were kids our parents often had really interactive lessons where we would act out stories from the scriptures or learn about different things like etiquette or honesty. For activities we play board games or sports or do family history and have some kind of treat. Growing up home made rice crispy treats was a big one. Cam and I like to do many variations on popcorn. Before treats we have a closing prayer and bless the food.

Activities don't have to stay at home. You could go to the park, 

go for a hike, 

watch a sporting event, 

go on a scavenger hunt,

 anything you want! 

The only requirement is to do it with the family.

Even though we spend so much time together right now we're glad that we're getting in the habit of doing this while we have time because we know it will be harder when we have kids or harder jobs or more school or anything else. It has strengthened our little family so much already and we can't wait to see how it will continue to bless us in the future. Spencer W Kimball said "Family home evening is for everyone. It is for families with parents and children, for families with just one parent, and for parents who have no children at home. It is for home evening groups of single adults and for those who live alone or with roommates. . . . Regular participation in family home evening will develop increased personal worth, family unity, love for our fellow men, and trust in our Father in heaven."

Family Home Evening isn't only about coming closer together as a family, its also about coming closer to our Father in Heaven. Families are the center of his plan, and as we do our best to strengthen our families and marriages he will bless us with more success and joy than we ever could have thought possible. I know that he loves us and that he wants us to be happy: that is why he gave us families! There is no greater joy than to be with your family forever and he has given us that opportunity. I am so grateful for that!

Here's a wonderful talk about the importance of families, and some great resources for planning your own family night including lesson ideas!

How to Have and Absolutely Fantabulous Marriage in 10 Easy Steps—Say I Love You

Love is what I would consider the center of a marriage. To quote Richard G Scott, “Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” In the Doctrine and Covenants the LORD says, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and cleave unto her and none else.” This is the only time in all of scripture that I can find that God commands us to love someone “with all [our] heart” other than him. I’d say that’s pretty significant. Wives, this goes for you loving your husbands, too. Marriage is not one sided.

There are so many ways to express love, so let’s start with the most basic. Saying it verbally. Saying “I love you,” is probably the easiest and most direct way of expressing your feelings to your spouse. Some people are embarrassed to say these three inoffensive but powerful words. Others don’t feel it necessary. Some withhold them because they think that their feelings are either not strong enough to qualify, or too strong for such simple words. Whatever the reason, let it go. In marriage, it’s important to say, “I love you.” One of my favorite parts about my marriage to Cameron is that we say it all the time! Sometimes I tell him multiple times a minute because I feel it, and it feels so great to have him say it back! It never loses its significance, because we always mean it. Another quote from Elder Scott: “Do you tell your wife often how very much you love her? It will bring her great happiness. I’ve heard men tell me … “Oh, she knows.” You need to tell her. A woman grows and is greatly blessed by that reassurance. Express gratitude for what your spouse does for you. Express that love and gratitude often. That will make life far richer and more pleasant and purposeful. Don’t withhold those natural expressions of love. And it works a lot better if you are holding her close while you tell her.” If I might add to Elder Scotts words of wisdom, if you’re not holding your spouse so close that it’s impossible to do this, maintain eye contact. Let your companion see in your face how much you love him or her. It makes this expression all the more meaningful. Don’t be embarrassed to say it in public, either! This can sometimes be translated, in the mind of your spouse, to embarrassment of him or her, and that hurts feelings as well as trust.

Love is more than just a feeling. It can be expressed in more ways than speech. Here’s a great quote from Stephen Covey to illustrate that: (A man is asking Covey for advice)

“My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"
"Love her," I replied.
"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."
"Love her."
"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."
"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."
"But how do you love when you don't love?"
"My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

Love is a verb. Love your spouse. There are lots of ways to love, and I think the five from The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman are a great start. They are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Service, Gifts, and Quality Time. I like to add patience and forgiveness, my LDS Marriage and Family teacher, Brother Richardson, added traditions. Those are so, so important in keeping yourself happy as well as your spouse. If you want to take the free quiz to find out your love language, as well as that of your spouse, click here. Everyone feels loved in different ways. For me, I need to hear that I am loved and have frequent physical reminders—hugs, hand holding, kisses, even a high five communicates to me that I’m appreciated. For my husband, quality time is a big one. I need to remember that I need to give him my undivided attention by putting away my cell phone, computer, sewing, homework, anything and really be there with him. Both of us have more than one "primary" language. We both need to be told that we're loved verbally, and we both really appreciate acts of service. Don’t be afraid to let your spouse know what your needs are. You may feel that he or she is not showing love to you, but they may simply be doing it in another “language” than yours.

If you start to feel like your love is starting to dim, feed it! We've found that the best food for love is service. As you serve others, you come to love them with a pure and Christ-like love that grows and grows more than you could ever imagine. Try to think of ways to help your spouse throughout the day. Put notes of encouragement in his briefcase or backpack. Do the dishes, even if it’s her turn. Be the cheerleader, the chore assistant, the listener, the best friend. Try to speak their love language. Be the person that your spouse needs, and in trying to serve them, your love will grow. Another incredibly important facet is to  let your spouse serve you.    It will help them grow in love for you, and you will appreciate them all the more! Pray for your spouse. Nothing will help you love them more than learning to see him or her the way our Heavenly Father does, because he loves each of us no matter what, and so much more than we can ever comprehend.

Don't ever forget to say "I love you." 

Here are some links to absolutely wonderful talks about marriage! 

Richard G Scott

L. Whitney Clayton