Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Pregnant Olympics

I love the olympics. Especially figure skating. I was bouncing up and down in my seat when they finally showed ice dancing the other night.

I was told a few years ago that "they" were considering making ballroom dancing an olympic sport. I got really excited...and I'm still waiting for that to happen.

I was wondering about that again this olympics and it got me thinking of a few other events they should add! Basically, they need to add an entire "pregnancy and maternity" genre.

Event #1) Leg Shaving.
I know what you ladies are thinking, it's not that hard. The catch is that to compete you have to be between 8 and 9 months pregnant, or swallow a small, wiggly watermelon shortly before competition. (This way the men can compete, too!) Athletes will be judged on speed, flexibility, and ingenuity. Deductions for missed patches or cuts (including on the knees) and extra points will be awarded for lotion-ing afterwards, and not neglecting the hair on one's toes.

2) Self-given Pedicures
Again, speed and flexibility will be judged, as well as the cleanliness of the cutting, filing, and painting of the toe nails. Calluses should be buffed with a pumice stone and feet should be moisturized. Extra points will be awarded for touches like gemstones, layered colors, or cute little flowers in the polish. Stickers will result in automatic disqualification. Don't forget the cuticles!

3) Rolling over in bed. You have to be using a c-shaped body pillow and end in the same place on the bed in which you started, but facing the opposite direction. Sensors will relay how much pain you are feeling in your hips and extra points will be awarded to those who are able to adjust their technique in a way that causes minimal discomfort. Points will be deducted for falling asleep before turning completely back onto one's side or failing to replace blankets.

4) Labor.
Everyone gets a gold medal. EVERYONE. Sorry, this is a women's only event.

5) Diaper Changing
You don't have to be pregnant or swallow a watermelon for this one. You have to start with a dressed baby (or animated doll, so that the degree of difficulty can be controlled. The officials are still debating on this point.) As you get higher in the competition, the baby will get squirmier, possibly have a diaper rash that needs to be handled accordingly, and probably 'go' again while in the midst of changing. Deductions will be taken for excessive wipe usage, failure to treat a rash, or stains on either the athlete's or the baby's clothing. The competitors of course have to get the baby dressed again when it's done, and if they've had a blowout athletes will need to put a whole new outfit on them. The final round will take place late at night, and in the dark.

That's all I've thought of for now. Does anyone else have other events that need to be added? or additions or changes to the rules?

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